If I’m honest Im feeling very let down.
I was promised a referral to the mental health team would start to heal me.
It was rushed through with a 2 week wait.
In that 2 week wait I was taken to A&E as those who love me and care for me felt I was a danger to myself.
Don’t worry said the hospital.
The adult services will help you out. They’ll review your meds and get you strong again.
They gave me some papers and a list of breathing exercises to help me through when the urge to cut got too strong.
Then my appointment was pushed back.
I kept telling myself to hold on. That if I can fight the urges a few more days it would all get easier.
But now they’d moved the goal post.
As part of my referral I was given a document to fill in. It took me 4 days. I tried to use it as a cathartic release but each word I wrote down make me feel even closer to letting the darkness in. It felt the only way I would be able to close the door to the hurt.
At last the day of the appointment arrived. I was filled with anxiety and hope that when they’d see me. They’d help me heal.
The lady was late.
She hadn’t read my form.
We ran out of time to put a care plan in place.
She told me she felt it might be more appropriate to see the crisis team. But that’s what I thought I was doing?
She said she felt I needed more time to be properly assessed and she’d let me know, but Thursdays diary was looking good.
I tried calling all of Wednesday and Thursday to see if I was going to get the promised additional appointment.
Each time the phone rang out, a little bit of strength left my soul.
When my husband spoke with her he told her what a struggle I was experiencing and that all my hope was pinned to this follow up appointment.
“Well I’m afraid I can’t remember saying that” she replied ” my pc broke, I’m due on holiday and I’m very busy. I don’t remember telling her that””But she’s suicidal” my husband said “Lots of people say they want to hurt themselves, but they don’t. Lots of people say they want to win the lottery, and they don’t either.”
Great comparison! Thanks for your compassion.
Her reasoning that I was not a high risk was because I could follow the breathing exercises the hospital had given me for when I felt a risk to myself. And they’d worked. So if I just kept doing that I’d be fine.
As it was past 24 hrs since our face to face, we were out of time to be transferred to the crisis team. Try calling back tomorrow.
Friday we saw the duty nurse. They gave me a 5 day supply of anxiety meds and sleeping meds and promised Id be put on the crisis teams case load. They’d visit me tomorrow. They’d review my meds and they’d help me through this.
And they did see me the next day. They bought me a pamphlet about an arts and crafts sessions an hour away.
I told them I couldn’t drive as I had urges to crash the car into a tree.
They said they’d see me tomorrow. But the prescription team weren’t available at weekends so that would happen Monday.
Sunday’s appointment was a repeat of the first.How do you feel. That are your thoughts telling you? Don’t worry the prescription team is in tomorrow.
Monday’s appointment ended up being a video call. I have no objections to that, but their news filled me with disappointment.They said they would put forward my case to the prescription team to see if they’d accept me.. It wasn’t guaranteed.
On my next call, Wednesday, they’d tell me if they’d taken me on and then a few days later they’d book me in with the prescription team to review my case.
Today’s call? There’s been no referral. Noone has seen me case to review. Noone even passed it on. Not even a note written in the file.
I told my GP I needed help on 6th February. I went to A&E on 14th February. We’re now the 8th March and other than a few diazapam and an arts and crafts pamphlet I feel we’re no further on.
I feel noone is listening to how hard this fight is?
Maybe it would be a case of actions speak louder than words.
Would they listen then?