Apparently we are in crisis.
The thoughts in my head like venom have drip drip dripped into my mind and have left me unsafe.
We have a visit each day from a carer.
They write down my height, weight, hair colour and eye colour. They even want to know about tattoos I have.
I wonder if this is incase I run away, or is it just to identify my body.
It’s a strange thought to think they’ll need this information. As I’m feeling quite normal in this moment.
But the dark thoughts are lurking in the back.
The second my mind goes quiet they’ll start screaming again.
Do it, just do it.
And there’s no triggers to these thoughts. I don’t catch myself thinking about a moment from my past that invites them in. Nor is it a fantasy about my future.
They just kick down the doors I’ve tried to close them off in at a moments notice.
They’re there with their poison turning my soul to black.
I’ve been prescribed new medication.
Last night’s sleeping pill didn’t work.
I woke in the night with thoughts of sneaking down stairs to cause mischief. It felt like a naughty child wanting to get up and follow out Their plan.
Instead I lay in bed, listening to my husband’s breathing. Matching it to mine to clear my head, because deep down I know I don’t want to do this. I just have to find strength to stop myself from doing something spontaneous.
They’ve given me some other tablets.
They just make me numb.
But that’s not a bad thing. Asleep or numb are my preference right now. They stop the crazies from taking over and let me be at peace for those few short hours till they start to wear off and the darkness creeps back it.
I question if this is how I will always be.
A vessel fighting inside the light Vs black.
I can’t see a way past this moment.
This isn’t who I want to be
