I got a text from a friend today.
Just a normal text, “are you free to chat”
Now unless I’m taking a poo or serving out dinner, I’ll find time to talk to pretty much anyone.
My phone rang almost as soon as my response was sent.
I couldn’t hear any words, just those long laboured gasps of hyperventilation.
“Are you ok? Are you safe?”
I recognised it straight away. A panic attack.
I not only get the odd call from friends experiencing this themselves, but I’m no stranger to my own panic attacks.
“Ye….. I just…… I can’t…..”
I tried to get them to ground themselves, to focus on breathing, but they were beyond that at this point.
“Gimme 10 mins, I’m on my way”
My drive there, the catastrophizing started. Of what I might find, of how to break down their door because they weren’t answering, screaming to a neighbour, quick bring me that sledgehammer! Of driving them to hospital because they were hurt and I’d have to be holding a leather belt in my teeth to act as a makeshift tourniquet whilst swerving in and out of traffic wishing I had a blue light to move the cars out my way ( look, overthinking every situation is just my thing, ok?)
By the time I got there, they answered the door straight away(phew, that’s catastrophising version A through to N ruled out) they’d settled a little, their breathing steady and eyes dried. So I just gave them a big hug, and felt them melt into that release.
When I asked what had triggered today’s attack she told me that it’s all just too much.The kids, the paperwork, the…..well everything. It all just got to much to the point she felt like she was going crazy.
Again, I could completely relate.
Because right now it all just feels too much again.
I’ve spent the last few days sitting on my sofa staring into the abyss because it’s all just too much.
In my house it feels like there is just so much noise.
A chat show is playing, there’s music coming from somewhere and my husband is on a voice call, and if it’s not a voice call it’s him sharing his thoughts, his day. And I used to love listening to him chat, but now it just feels so much talking.
My phone is constantly pinging because I haven’t figured out to mute the notification of one of my apps, and can’t put the whole thing on silent as I’m waiting for a call.
I hide down in my studio and the noise follows me but this time it’s in my head. The guilt of not being productive, of missing the self imposed deadlines I’ve made and failed to achieve. Of all the things I want to do but am too burnt out to find space for, or I can’t start because I feel too guilty of not finishing the project before.
Even at night in bed it’s still all too loud, the thoughts in my head continuously fighting to get to the front, to torment me and push the sweetness of sleep further away.
But today, in that moment, of listening to my friend find her peace for just a moment, I found mine.
We shared stories of the kids being a dick, of how some offers of support are just camouflage for toxic people to get into our lives, and of how shit things can be some days.
We laughed, we talked, we listened. And we both felt seen. And for just a few moments we found our peace.
Just remember, that sometimes we all have really shitty days, but sharing them with a friend will make them feel easier to manage, I promise.
And talking it out can give you your peace, just for one beautiful moment.
Your head has silence.