When we originally talked about my taking some leave to get my mental health back in a good place, the plan was to start getting back to work by the end of September.
We’re halfway through the month and it’s not going to happen.
I still can’t walk. My twisted ankle is still very far from being healed. I’m fact, if anything it feels a little bit worse today than it was earlier in the week. Did I overdo it the other day? Maybe.
But it’s so bloody boring just sitting about. Even if I am just shuffling from one place to another.
But even without my injured foot I still feel a long way off from being well.
My motivation, my passion, it’s just gone.
Stuff that would usually give me drive gives me nothing. I’m just numb.
I’m hoping it’s linked to this feeling of waiting. I was waiting for the patio to be finished before I started the mosaic path. But now it’s too hot for me to be out in the sun. And next week will be too wet.
I’m waiting for the therapy I was promised. That was in March, and still nothing has materialised.
I’m waiting for the meds to do their job. I’m on strong antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds and HRT too. But I’m still left with a runaway brain, low moods and constant sweats. I thought things were going better, but this last 3 weeks I’ve been rolling backwards.
The MH teams are promising to get things resolved, but it’s wait wait wait.
I’m waiting to wave my son goodbye next week, then both kids will be off at Uni. Just my husband and I at home. A period of adjustment now it’s going to be just us two.
I’m really looking forward to strengthening our relationship. It’s been waiting for attention for so long.
And he’s being very industrious. He always likes to have a project, and this current one is right up my street, but I can’t be enthusiastic no matter how much I want to. And I feel like I’m letting him down. So I’ll wait.