Work has been playing on my mind.
They’ve requested a copy of my medical records. The occupational therapist has suggested I start back with a month of 3 days work from home. I’ve sent them everything from the mental health teams I’ve been working with, but they’re still holding out.
Or maybe just waiting for my sicknote to end.
Either way I am anxious. And the anxiety is making me think they don’t want me back.
In the past I have been on my knees so many times wondering how I will get through. Not just with work, but with my ex husband’s accident, my kids mental health and my fibromyalgia.
Life hasn’t always been fair. And I know that’s how life is for everyone.
But somehow I’ve always managed to rise again bigger and stronger. Ready to take on the world.
A new version of me built from the broken pieces, glued back together with ash and determination so strong it solders the joins back together.
But this time I’m running on empty.
I don’t know how or if I can pick myself up again.
I’m emotionally and physically exhausted.
My body aches. My head swims in darkness and my heart hurts.
I feel a stranger in my own life. A passenger just watching things going on around me, but not feeling engaged. Not feeling I belong.
Every now and then I get a spark.
A light starts to flicker in my brain.
But by the time I reach for it, in a gentle breeze it stutters and dies leaving only a faint red ember. Not enough to see what it would have been.
All my life I have had a fire in my soul, burning bright, determined to leave my mark on the world and hoping my light encourages others to follow this path of rebuilding yourself and making yourself stronger so you too can take on anything the world throws at you.
But maybe I’ve just burnt out.
Given all my fuel to those around me and left nothing for myself.
I took a few days off from life last week. I felt peace. I felt my head start to clear.
But back in the reality of my own life again and I feel a stranger watching it all float past. Not feeling a connection of being part of it. Conversations happen around me.
I’m not participating.
Like that last wisp of smoke from a fire slowly dissipating until nothing remains.
I don’t like the version of myself that sits in the corner hoping for constant validation. Hoping to be seen. To be appreciated. To be included.
I’m so lost and I’m scared