Ripples in the sea

Why is my head so broken?

I keep asking myself over and over again.

I keep convincing myself that a new journal, some stickers or painting kit is the solution.

But no matter how hard I tried I kept returning to this state where my head was loud and confused.

My head wanted me to go against its natural instinct to survive.

Today I was blessed with a visit from 2 of my friends that helped put my notebook to good use.

Between them they traveled a total of 6.5 hrs round trip to check in with me.

We met a few years back via Facebook at a time when we were all experiencing the nightmare that no parent wants to even think about, let alone live through.

A time when our children had each attempted to end their life.

This mutual experience made our bond a tightness that very few would understand.

As a group we have met up to support one another through the toughest of days. Usually with dark and inappropriate humour, but sometimes, that humour, it’s just what you’ve got to do to get through it.

I hadn’t originally contacted them with my struggles as our children have all moved to a different place in their recovery.

I didn’t want to bring up the conversation as I didn’t want to remind them of that horrible time of their life.

I hoped they had all moved forward to a happier, more stable future.

But then they saw one of my blog posts.

Within the hour they had reached out to me and mutually booked in a visit. They bought a picnic and a mountain of cakes and we got to sit in the studio whilst we chatted with tea and put the world to rights.

We wrote down my triggers and where they originated from.

It can be amazing that such a small thing in your childhood has such a profound effect on your mental health in the future.

We wrote down how these triggers are affecting my view of the future. The projections on my families future and my necessity to protect them rather than let them spread their wings and fly towards their new exciting futures.

And then we wrote down some affirmations. I’ll continue these on my own until I have enough to make a full set. To remind myself that I am valid and deserve happiness and that I am worthy enough to fill the space on this earth I currently take.

We then drove to the beach.

As much as I love the beach I have had to avoid it as it was a place I knew I couldn’t not keep myself safe at.

But with friends by my side I knew I had strength.

We each selected a number of pebbles and threw them into the sea whilst screaming what we all feel we deserve in our lives.

To have a voice and be heard, to be proud of ourselves and our achievements, to find ourselves now our kids are moving on, to be perfectly imperfect.

The fresh air and the laughter were just the tonic I needed today.

Whilst I know I’m still not safe and the thoughts are still being carried in my head. Being reminded my support circle is bigger than I gave myself credit for, I feel that I’m just that little bit stronger to let the positivity in my head shout louder than the negative thoughts for this bright sunny day.

My today is now filled with gratitude for all of my people. Those who have put up with me daily, those who have checked in regularly and those who have reached out into the darkness to remind me I’m not fighting this alone. That there is a light in this journey if I can just hold on and keep strong.