There was a field up the track. Each time we visited our hideaway house, come evening my friend and I would retreat to our secret field. We would be armed with a boom box, a bottle of cheap fizzy wine and a number of cassette tapes. And we were so clever, my parents would never guess, but our cigarettes were hidden in the tape deck of the boom box, should they ever check. Watching the sunset. Drinking our wine, sharing the smokes whilst dancing and singing at the top of our lungs. Once the sun set we would lie on … Continue reading “The field up the track”
Is this heaven
Assenting through the clouds in an aeroplane, you can’t help but think in a child-like way if this is what heaven is like. They look solid as if you could walk on them but so so soft like an inviting place to rest. As a child, I was taught that heaven was among the clouds and hell was beneath the earth’s crust, surrounded by fire and brimstone. When you are up among the clouds you can see why people would portray this, but unfortunately, when you are in them, there is no friendly face of those you love, only a … Continue reading “Is this heaven”
The Suicide Squad
Imagine being in a situation where your baby, your most adored little being in the world struggles so hard with their life that they think about ending it. As a teen it was something I personally experienced myself. A belief that I wasn’t enough and the world would be better without me. The last thing I’d ever want in my life is for one of my babies to be in that position. But 2016 here we were. And being on that journey, to get your child the help and support they need is one of the lonely experiences I have … Continue reading “The Suicide Squad”
I’m struggling again
I’m struggling again. Last night I nearly had to wake my husband up to keep me safe as the urge to self-harm was overwhelming. Thankfully my nightly meds kicked in and sent me to the darkness of sleep that I craved. I’m pretty sure I know the triggers this time. A combination of the Acute Therapy Centre signing me off with my last session today. I still have not been allocated a new lead therapist at the community team, so no real plan of action to give me the tools to master the causes of my emotional triggers, no tools … Continue reading “I’m struggling again”
2 Months off
The Dr has signed me off for 2 months. I’m fighting it as the reality is I’ll not have a job to go back to. But let’s say I have my 2 months. The reality is I’ll continue to sit on the sofa doing the odd bit of art, maybe a bit of blogging and remain on a waiting list for help I need to move forward. Scrolling through Netflix whilst being unable to decide what to watch. And napping the majority of my time. What I’d like to do with that 2 months. Blitz the house from top to … Continue reading “2 Months off”
Who did I used to be?
I’m struggling again. Last night I nearly had to wake my husband up to keep me safe as the urge to self harm was overwhelming. Thankfully my nightly meds kicked in and sent me to the darkness of sleep that I craved. I’m pretty sure I know the triggers this time. A combination of the Acute Therapy Centre signing me off with my last session today. I still have not been allocated a new lead therapist at the community team, so no real plan of action to give me the tools to master the causes of my emotional triggers, no … Continue reading “Who did I used to be?”
Not fit for work
I’ve been signed off. Work had called a meeting to discuss the amount of time I’ve had off. I had a note of amended duties and hours in place. They planned the meeting the week that note finished. I know I’m still not in the best place as I still keep having toxic thoughts and there is still no plan in place for any kind of counselling or therapy to give me the tools to move forward. So I contacted my GP for an extension on my note. A note work had said I wouldn’t need. When the GP sent … Continue reading “Not fit for work”
Fake Happy
As a gift I bought my daughter tickets to see one of her favourite bands performing at the O2. They’ve not played live for a few years so it was a big thing. A big thing that was arranged before my mental health had a downward spiral. I felt I owed it to her to paint on the smile and continue with the plan. And I did literally paint on the smile. Rainbow eyeshadow. Make myself look like I was participating in the excitement of the day. The drive up was dreadful. It was teaming down with rain and my … Continue reading “Fake Happy”
I want to go home
I want to go home. The reality is I’m sitting on our sofa in front of our TV, but I don’t feel home. Maybe an hour in bed would make me feel better, but right now nowhere feels quite like I’m home or a place where I can be myself. I paint on the face with the kids to they think I’m getting my shit together. They don’t deserve to keep seeing the wreck that I am. And I’ve tried talking to my husband, but because my thoughts are so contradictory to one another he does seem to be able … Continue reading “I want to go home”
Hoarding is a bad idea
Today has been non eventful. Work quiet and pretty stressless. In Fact it was pretty boring. Tonight’s drive home was incredibly difficult. My head wanted to go to the shops and buy a litre of vodka. I wanted to hide it in my bedroom until I’ve gathered up enough meds that when the time comes I’d have enough courage to do the job properly. I literally stopped my car at the junction sobbing trying to force myself to turn straight towards home and not the shops. Thing is nothing has happened. Nothing has prompted me to feel low or suicidal … Continue reading “Hoarding is a bad idea”