I ran away. Just for a week, and I found peace. My brain stopped torturing me with thoughts of self-loathing and harm. I found peace. I found beauty in my surroundings and I lived for the quiet. My days were filled with rest, painting and meeting new people who had new conversations and passions. And then I came home. I cried myself to sleep last night. I had made so many plans in my head of how I would celebrate my son’s 18th, my children’s end of college before they escape to uni, and how I would send them off … Continue reading “I ran away”
I’m sitting on the sofa crying again
I’m sitting on the sofa crying. No one really seems to be noticing. I’ve already cried in the shower today and cried again when I went up to the loo. I just sat there sobbing. I’m not really sure what I’m crying for. This morning I got up with every intention to tackle the front yard. No mow May is well and truly over and quite frankly it’s become completely out of control. I got up, dressed according and headed down on a mission. Just walking down the stairs was hard enough. I was completely out of puff. I took … Continue reading “I’m sitting on the sofa crying again”
18 Already??
My baby turned 18 this week. I can’t believe where the time has gone. Those first moments of his life where the cord was wrapped tightly around his neck, the oxygen units in the room failed, as did the mobile canister. Those minuets felt like hours, before the limb, blue little bundle took his first cry. And in that second he stole my heart. He was born 4 months after his dad had been involved in a near fatal driving accident. My birth plan was more concerned with how he would manager than it was about me or my baby. … Continue reading “18 Already??”
Feeling violated
I’m feeling stressed and very unsafe. I’m due to have a meeting at work soon. Trying to convince them to keep my job open. The GP has currently signed me off for 2 months. But I really want to be back sooner. My GP has agreed to amend the sicknote if I can work from home for 3 days a week. A slow reintroduction to work. But work aren’t interested in allowing me to have that flexibility. Work have requested copies of my medical notes. They’ve taken 4 weeks to be sent through to me, ahead of being sent to … Continue reading “Feeling violated”
Hollow
Hollow. That’s the only real way I can describe myself at the moment. I just feel empty. A husk. The world continues around me, but I’m not a participant. I keep things of things I could do to try to raise my spirits, but the truth is they’ll just get added to a long list of things I will continue to procrastinate. I’m still waiting to hear if I am going to be able to keep my job. Whether they can be adaptable enough to let me work from home 3 days a week to build myself back up. If … Continue reading “Hollow”
The Phoenix
Work has been playing on my mind. They’ve requested a copy of my medical records. The occupational therapist has suggested I start back with a month of 3 days work from home. I’ve sent them everything from the mental health teams I’ve been working with, but they’re still holding out. Or maybe just waiting for my sicknote to end. Either way I am anxious. And the anxiety is making me think they don’t want me back. In the past I have been on my knees so many times wondering how I will get through. Not just with work, but with … Continue reading “The Phoenix”
40 is the new 30
They say 40 is the new 30. At least that’s what they’re promoting now. It makes you feel young, feel safe and that your whole life is in front of you. And for the whole it is. It sounds great. But what the fuckers don’t tell you about 40 is the changes. It starts with a single hair on the chin that no matter how many times you pluck it the little bastard keeps growing back like a giant wired beacon that waves at one and all in the slightest of airflow, especially when the light is just right. And … Continue reading “40 is the new 30”
An evening conversing with my big brother
My brother has just had a staring contest with his pup. The dog had upset him. He’d been ‘affectionate with the cushion again’. He then yelled “You’re an utter Bastard and I shall flick you with my handkerchief”, which he then proceeded to do. With this the dog first tried ripping said handkerchief, then bounced round the furniture growling with his plastic bone. He’s now complaining about an odour coming from his pups furry butt. He’s taking turns holding said dog like a baby alternating between sniffing his mouth and sniffing his arse. If I’m honest its a little nauseating. … Continue reading “An evening conversing with my big brother”
20 mins of gardening equals 3 days of punishment and pain
I’m in an unsafe place today. I don’t feel I will do anything, but I don’t feel I should be alone. My heart is heavy and I feel like all that will help is to cry, the kind of crying where the sobs are guttural and uncontrollable. My babies are due home in a couple of hours. I wanted to be more like my old self again before they came home, but that expectation is out of reach. All I can give them is the broken person I have become. No further into my recovery from when they left on … Continue reading “20 mins of gardening equals 3 days of punishment and pain”
The girl in the cloth cap
I’ve always been known for strange dreams and this house is renowned for inducing them. Last night’s dream was no exception. I girl came to me. She was stick thin and cold. She wore a cotton summer smock with cloth cap. She said her name was Aileen, Eleanor or something similar. I asked her why she was in my bedroom and she told me she was lost. I wrapped her in my hoodie and sat with her on the spare bed. I only realised she had gone when another person walked into the room. They were searching for friends that … Continue reading “The girl in the cloth cap”