In 2017 I went to my GP due to sweats, pain, low mood and memory loss. They suggested I was perimenopausal, but without a blood test to prove otherwise, the fact that I still had a regular monthly cycle, they wouldn’t treat me. I have been seeing my GP every 2 weeks since March. Most of the visits we focus on my mental health, my pain levels from fibro, and all the big things that are affecting my life right now. About 2 months ago I happened to mention, that with the warmer weather, my sweats were nye on impossible … Continue reading “Glorious HRT”
Where’s the light?
When my mental health took such a turn in March, I thought that by the end of summer, I’d be getting better. My garden would be beautiful and my completed crafts would be stacking up filling my little heart with joy. And I have had some days where I’ve been brighter. I allowed myself to feel I was turning a corner. That my mental health was on the rise. I went to bed last night wanting to be motivated for today. To start ticking things off the ever-growing to-do list. But thats not how today is going. I’ve woken up … Continue reading “Where’s the light?”
Hows my day going ?
How’s my day? So far I’ve spent 2 hours doom scrolling. I’ve cried at posts, I’ve smiled and I’ve shared pointless memes. And now I’m barating myself for achieving nothing. Last night I missed out my strong pain meds and my sleeping tablets hoping I wouldn’t feel so groggy, so drunk when I woke up. But my head is swimming. My foot pain after my turned ankle did disturb some of my sleep, but otherwise I feel like I clocked up a few good hours, so why do I feel so rough. I’m angry I’m not motivated. I’m angry that … Continue reading “Hows my day going ?”
The toilet dream
Last night’s dream was a little different to my usual anxiety dream. Usually in this dream, I’m hunting for a toilet and I’m bursting to go. I’m running up and down corridors of a building hunting for the ladies’ room. Up and down staircases getting more and more lost. Each room I come to has moulded floors, think similar to a very shallow version of a large hot tub. Lots of areas where pools can form and nye on impossible to keep clean. Some cubicles are showers or changing rooms, some have no dividers between each pan. But the worst … Continue reading “The toilet dream”
Road to recovery – part 1
The first memory I have of feeling helplessly low? I was about 6 years old. When I’d started school I was the youngest in the year. Some of my peers had been going to school since the autumn term or the January term, so my rocking up after Easter put me at a disadvantage. I was good with my numbers, and was able to read a little so class wise I was on a level, but emotionally, I was way behind. And this is something that isn’t widely acknowledged. It makes a massive difference when trying to form friendships for … Continue reading “Road to recovery – part 1”
La Reinerie
It’s strange to be back. A place I haven’t ventured back to for 15 years and knowing 10 have been without you on the earth. The last place you stayed before you were taken to hospital. My brother has worked wonders, a one-man band changing and renovating sometimes by choice and sometimes to preserve the stability of the bones. He has done such a wonderful job to keep the house in good health whilst putting his personal stamp on the place. La Reinerie. The 300 year old cow shed that we were blessed to have as our childhood holiday home. … Continue reading “La Reinerie”
Do you know who I am?
Do you recognise me? Do you know who I am? This feeling of amnesia. I remember the old me. The business woman. The unstoppable force that could turn her hand to anything. Rotting lean-to? I rebuilt that in a week. Leaking toilet? I refitted the whole washroom over a weekend. A wasteland turned into a beautiful garden. That was me too. And then my body broke. It took a long time to adjust. The pattern of overdoing it, then suffering in pain and frustration. Oh that pain. It made me want to scream each time it hit. But my mind … Continue reading “Do you know who I am?”
My brain is broken
Yesterday I attended an appointment I’ve been waiting for since April. It’s been canceled a couple of time, and in my mind there was a lot riding on it. Maybe I put too much emphasis on this meeting.T he meeting was with a specialist to discuss my medication and potentially give me a diagnosis that would change the way my treatment plan moving forward would look like. Ahead of the meeting I spent time with my mental health nurse to check in how my week had been and to check in with how I was feeling in regards to the … Continue reading “My brain is broken”
The Pattern
If your close to me, I wonder if you’ve seen it too? The pattern. The self sabotage? It’s something I’ve grown to recognise in my life. Just when things are going good, I do something to mess it all up. Bring my world crashing down. This time it’s my job. Since closing my business I have struggled to feel comfortable and welcomed in the workplace. I have held down a couple of jobs, but I’ve never really been a proper fit. But at last, in August last year, I thought I’d found my place. The team was funny and made … Continue reading “The Pattern”
I used to be
I’ve met quite a lot of new people in the past 10 months. And I find myself uttering the same phrase over and over again. I used to be; First I met new work colleagues, then counsellors and therapist. Now strangers in different support groups. And they always ask what bought you here. When I was younger, my ‘used to be ‘ was for shock effect. I used to be a gravedigger. And it’s true. When I first left school from June to September every day I went to work with my dad to help. I was 15 years old, … Continue reading “I used to be”