In the build up to Christmas I went craft mad!
I made chutney and chilli jam, marmalade and mince pies. I made and decorated 4 Xmas cakes plus a tray of mini Christmas cupcakes and had cookies and biscuits coming out of my ears!
I sewed both my kids comedy jumpers, I made a jacket, key rings and tree decs.
Every member of my family was boxed up a hamper full of home made goodies. I made silly signs, embroidered pictures and even a tshirt that gave the wearer twinkly tits. I was chuffed to bits with how most of it turned out even if the decorated toilet didn’t go down quite as well as I’d hoped.
But when it came to delivering my goodies I hit a stumbling block. I was embarrassed….. to the point I wished I’d thrown it all in the bin and crawled into bed and hid.
In fact the bin is where some of it did end up!
But why embarrassed?
I wasn’t embarrassed because I worried I had made a load of old crap, in fact some of it was crap on purpose, but because I worried that some of the receivers might not realise that they had been made in good spirit and just for a giggle, that they may think that I had only done it so I could put it on my blog page and to blow my own trumpet, and embarrassed because I would get told off for over doing it and putting added pressure on myself when I should have been resting and taking it easy. (And yes of course that happened….because after all, this is me)
But the reality is, I did all this crafting to give myself a sense of purpose.
And since Christmas I have hidden myself away, working of silly crafts that will never see the light of day and refusing to update any of the gifts I made to the blog.
Anyone who knows me well, knows I am, in fact, a bunny boiler. And I overthink and over analyse everything in my life. And I also know the reality is that 80% of these thoughts are irrational and have been blown out of all proportions in my mixed up little head.
But they have coincided with my losing confidence.
As an ex “white van man” style driver I have lost my confidence behind the wheel: I am now a dithery old lady who breaks each time another car comes near me. I can’t even stand being a passenger! to the point I swear if I stamp on my imaginary break one more time my husband is stopping the car and making me walk home!
I have lost my confidence in going out: I worry I might bump into people I know. I worry they will ask how I am and the default is “I’m fine.” But if I was fine then why would I close the doors on a business I loved, so either they might think I’m not really ill and I’m just milking it, or they might see through the lie that I have been perfecting for years. But I also know when someone asks how you are the last thing they really want to hear is doom and gloom and woe is me.
And I have lost confidence in myself.
Of who I am, what my purpose is and what I actually “ bring to the table”.
I can’t even default to my delusional state of baking or bleaching as we are all caked out, we are on the compulsory January weight loss drive and I’m just too bloody tired and achey to get the mop out!
So do you know what? I’m going to attempt a New Year’s Resolution instead.
I’m gonna stop over thinking this crap. I’m going to start saving those bunnies from the boiling pan, and I’m just going to make. And because I can’t stand the thought of piles of homemade crap filling the rafters of my house or ending up in the bin, I’m going to gift them to random people and not give a shit what they think because I need to do this for myself.
And hopefully I’ll find myself somewhere along the way.
