I start a new job next week.
If I’m honest I have mixed emotions about it. There is excitement and nervousness all mixed together and there is sadness too.
For starters, I’ll be the new girl. And I’ll have a whole heap of things to learn. I know I will spend the coming weeks wiped out with trying to remember it all. But thats ok. Im looking forward to that bit. I like learning new things.
And with this job comes big changes.
It’ll be the first time in a long time I won’t be paying in my own wages. I used to do that because it was my business, but the last 2 jobs I’ve still been doing it because I was the bookkeeper.
Now my money is just going to land in my account once a month like a lovely surprise.
And I’ll be talking to the public again every day. I’ll be helping them make a difference to their business.
But the best bit about starting a new job is I get a chance to start afresh with who I am.
My new team members won’t have a clue what I’m like unless I tell them.
I can change my style, I can change my hair and no one will know any different. So maybe now is the perfect time to change up my wardrobe, a change I’ve been nervous about fully embracing.
And I can also change the person that I am.
I won’t be known as the mother who has missed hours of sleep worrying about their suicidal teen.
I won’t be the entrepreneur that failed due to their poor health letting them down.
And I won’t be the person who takes time away due to struggles with their mental health because the job has worn them down.
I can go back to being the strong independent woman who could take on the world.
I liked that version of me.
On my recent travels, I found this old side of me again. I woke up happy, I was always excited for the day ahead, and I enjoyed infecting my fellow travellers with this high energy. (Although they might not say the same)
I remembered how much fun life could be when you’re only looking for the positives in your experiences and in your day.
But this realisation has bought sadness. I now realise how worn down I was. How unappreciated I have been in jobs that I was willing to put before my family due to the guilt of not being on my A game at all times. And I see how my mood can influence those around me
They deserve a better version of me.
I deserve a happier me.