“What you doing?”
“Drinking my coffee.”
“What you doing after that?”
“Shhh, Its early! I don’t know yet.”
“It’s 11am! You’ve been up for an hour!”
“I know, but it’s the weekend.”
“You know you’ve only got 2 months now right?”
“2 months till what?”
“Til you’re 40”
“I know I’ve been seeing all my old school friends posts about their birthday since September! Im not stupid!”
“Ye but you wrote in your journal last year, You were going to be fabulous by 40.”
“Which journal?”
“The one you started when you swore you were going to get your shit together.”
“Ye which one? I started 5 of those journals last year.”
“Ye and you’ve started another 4 this year haven’t you? But you never get past the first page.”
“Ye and”
“You wrote that you were going to be fabulous by 40 in every single one of those notebooks”
“There’s still time.”
“When you first wrote it you had 2 stone to lose to reach your first weight goal.”
“Ye well 2 stone in 2 months, that’s kind of doable?!?!”
“Ye but you got 4 stones to lose now!!”
“That can’t be right”
“You know it is”
“Noooooo”
“So when you were folding 4 scones and jam in your face every day those first few months it never occurred to you it might make you fat?”
“I didn’t have that many”
“Yes you did”
“Ye but we had just started lock down, it was a stressful time”
“I wondered how long until you showed up! Always corrupting her”
“Ye well, there has been stuff going on.”
“There is always stuff going on”
“Ye but this is a global pandemic! You gotta take this stuff seriously.
Anyway with all this going on it’s not as though she’s going to have to worry about how she’ll look in photos or at a birthday party! Everythings cancelled!”
“But what if lockdowns finished before then? What if the world goes back to normal? You didn’t think about that did you?”
“Ye but Corona will still be out there, We need to be sensible! “
“You sensible? You’re having a laugh, anyway that’s not the point, she needs to be thinking about her health.”
“But the worlds changed! It’s not like it was 4 months ago you know!”
“Ye but what’s actually changed for you? You’re not exactly like you’re missing out on much you’re? not what one would call a social butterfly?”
“I go out!….sometimes… And when I went to the office each day I was walking the dogs every lunch time, I was at least trying to maintain my weight. I can’t do that now with all this,so it’s not my fault.”
“You could still walk the dogs every day!”
“No she can’t. It’s a pandemic!”
“She’s still allowed to get exercise!”
“But there are people out there! I might bring the corona back with me and kill everyone!”
“Oh don’t be daft”
<sulks>
“OK well why don’t you exercise from home?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well you’ve got a yoga mat, you could use that!”
“You know I lost most of my core strength when I had my operation in February. I can’t do yoga until I build that back up.”
“Yes and that’s why you were joining the gym in April”
“Ah! See! Just there! The Gym! I couldn’t do that because of lock down!”
“Ye!”
“YES BUT! You used the money you had saved to join the gym to buy a rowing machine instead didn’t you.”
“Yes! See I’m trying!”
“So why don’t you use it?”
“I do!”
“When was the last time you did use it?”
“Just the other day!”
“That was 3 weeks ago!”
“Noooooo it can’t be that long. Anyway it’s hard to use when everyone is at home and in the front room.”
“You were going to set your alarm early and do a few mins every morning before everyone got up.”
“I can’t do that! I hurt in the mornings, my fibro always kicks my arse first thing.”
“Ye you don’t want to put her in a flair do you?”
“It’s too late for that! I’m already in a flair, have been for 3 months!”
“Yes because you’ve not been moving and exercising.”
“Don’t put pressure on her, you’ll make her depressed again.”
“Ye thats your answer to everything isn’t it! She’s depressed!”
“Well she is”
“Maybe if she got her shit together she wouldn’t be so depressed.”
“You can’t say that! Depression is a valid condition, people can’t just snap out of it you know!”
“Oh For Fuck Sake! Enough with this! You’re Fat you’re nearly 40 and you’re a menopausal wreck! Get your shit together now and get off that sofa!”
<Crawls off the sofa and leaves the room>
“All right! No need for name calling! Look what you’ve done! She’s in the chocolate tin again.”
“Well at least she’s off the sofa”
“Fair point”
<High five><High five>
“I told you I’d get her moving off the sofa before midday! You owe me a fiver!”#
“Bollocks, Wheres she going now?”
“To find a new journal probably”