Its only 5 days before we travel.
Ahead of us are 14 days in a car, traveling 3000 miles to visit places in Europe. Places I recognise the names of, but never thought I’d actually see.
Everything is placed in my suitcase ready to pack. My nails are done, my daughter is dying my hair tonight and I’ve booked in at the beauticians for a quick tidy of my eyebrows before I go. There will obviously be the requirement for personal grooming too as I’ve not had to wear shorts for almost 3 years!!! Break out the hedge trimmers!
The kids itineraries have been handed over and the online shopping is booked so I know that my fella, the kids and the pups won’t go hungry in my absence.
And whilst I am looking forward to my trip, there is an apprehension about it too.
In the 12 years I have known him, this is the longest I will have been away from my husband. Even in the early days of our relationship, we always found time to be together. He’s my strength and my support. On even my toughest pain days he is always there holding me up and giving me unconditional love.
I worry about my kids while I’m away. My son is traveling to Switzerland with the college whilst I’m away and knowing I won’t be there to kiss him goodbye or wish him safe travels breaks my heart.
My daughter is having a horrible time with a selfish bully at the moment. An ex.
This week they told her the world was better without her. Whilst I’ve held her hand as she reported this to the police, I worry about being so far away. She won’t hear my whispers telling her to stay strong, that the world needs her and not to listen to their bullshit.
Their insecurities of abandonment are not her creating. And it is unfair that this hurt is being projected onto her. You can’t stay loving someone who repeatedly caused you so many upset days. It was never her responsibility to repair the damage done by their past, and it was wrong of them to bring it to their relationship.
I also have apprehensions about my travel companions.
The couple of friends who planned the trip I have known since 2019. We always have a good laugh when we are together. But I’ve not seen them on my bad days. Days where my pains are high, or days where my depression kicks my arse. I worry that they will tire of me on those quieter days.
I have known my room buddy for over 6 years.
We met in a fb group for people who suffer from chronic pain. We had both taken offense to someone who told us that if we prayed hard enough our pain would go away. And whilst we are no longer quite so reactive on social media we still share a lot of similarities. We’ve shared laughs on the road trips we have already had. And we sing disney songs at the top of our lungs. We both always fight for the underdog. And we both want to make an impact on the world around us by making it a better place to be.
But like with all friendships we have our differences. I’m the creative, where as she is more the therapist. She lives with the motto that everything will fall into place if it’s meant to be, whereas I like to look at planning A through to Z to cover all eventualities of getting where we are going.
But on our most recent trip, she hurt me. She told me that I make her feel inferior by how I speak to her at times.
I recognised the part of my personality she spoke about.
The part of me who for years had to step up and take control whenever the situation got tough.
It comes from a fear of losing that control or being the one who is difficult. A label I have so often carried.
If I step in and make sure everything is organised, planned, there can be no disappointment.
So I nag her about having her passport or ticket in hand. I check and double check she’s packed her toothbrush and I even pack extras in case she has forgotten anything on our trips. But even my kids get annoyed with my mothering, and stepping in to resolve issues before they arise, but with them, for years, that was my job. But I shouldn’t behave like this with friends.
Her words broke my heart. I have been fighting this battle for so long I have no idea how to be any different. But I do want to be better.
I’m very glad she told me so I can have a chance to change how I speak to people.
Its never my intention to boss and mother everyone in my life. And shes given me the chance to put it right. But I now worry our friendship has changed. That we will never be the same as we were. That it could make this trip hard work. And it hurts to think I’ve damaged the strong friendship we had.
As always with travel there is an anticipation of traveling to new places and experiencing new sights, smells and tastes. To feel the energy in the air of new towns and cities. But traveling with a chronic medical condition can be terrifying.
What if I take ill whilst we are away? What if my pains get so bad I need medical attention? How would I begin to explain Fibromyalgia in a foreign language I don’t speak when even the drs in my own country don’t understand all the symptoms.
So I have packed my medical kit for all eventualities. And I’ve packed for comfort. I have pillows for the car and my journal and sketch pad to distract me.
And whilst I leave the UK with apprehension I know I will return a different person having experienced a new chapter of my life.