I’m due back at work tomorrow.
After complaining to the adult services team that I don’t really get standard anxiety their course described, my anxiety is through the roof today.
I was in 2.5 days last week so it’s not like I haven’t been back at work since I was so poorly.
But I’m just nervous that I won’t be able to hack it.
My mood today is very fragile. I know that I could easily get triggered and self-harm again.
I’m also annoyed with myself for wasting the Easter holidays by achieving absolutely nothing.
It’s hard to make myself believe that sleep and rest are a productive part of my healing. They just feel lazy.
You know that feeling when the anaesthetist puts you under before an operation, that’s what I want to feel.
Like I’m slipping away into a place of safety and comfort instead of this agitated state.
Just leave me in that state for a week or 2 until my medication makes things feel manageable again. Rather than a world that’s so scary I don’t even feel I can save myself, let alone those I love.
I don’t recognise this person anymore. I’m just going through the motions but like an outsider looking in.
A straight jacket and padded cell feel perfectly viable options in this moment.