Today has not been a good day.
For the last few weeks I’ve been struggling. It’s the same old thing. My head says I can but my body just laughs and lets me down.
Since closing the shop I have also been struggling with my identity and equally how people see me.
For the last 10 years I’ve been that lady who runs the flower shop. And 4 of those years I was the lady who does In Bloom from the flower shop.
And for the 2 years before buying my shop I had been the lady who makes the jewellery, you know, the one who won that award and was in the papers.
Yes that was me, but it feels like 2 lifetimes ago.
But now I’m the lady on the walking stick, the one who used to run her own business, the one who’s too sick to work.
When people ask me what I do I tell them I’m having a few months recovering before starting my new career. But realistically, career?? Who am I kidding? what can I actually do?
I started scouring the job adverts. There must be something to suit me.
I prepared my cv and joined a few agencies, filling in details of past experience and job titles.
I even sent of applications to a number of jobs that I thought would be well suited to me, but 2 interviews later and I can hear exactly what Im doing wrong.
Ive turned into a little mouse who is controlled by this invisible and exhausting pain. Everything that came out from my mouth was my husbands opinion on things, lists of what I’m not able to do rather than finding the positives in things I can.
I feel I have lost my identity, lost my passion and I feel I bring nothing to the table and I hate it.
I just don’t recognise who I am any more, But I will not let fibro define me!!