How’s my day?
So far I’ve spent 2 hours doom scrolling.
I’ve cried at posts, I’ve smiled and I’ve shared pointless memes.
And now I’m barating myself for achieving nothing.
Last night I missed out my strong pain meds and my sleeping tablets hoping I wouldn’t feel so groggy, so drunk when I woke up. But my head is swimming.
My foot pain after my turned ankle did disturb some of my sleep, but otherwise I feel like I clocked up a few good hours, so why do I feel so rough.
I’m angry I’m not motivated. I’m angry that I can’t get up and get things done. I’m still I’m too much pain to move around. And I’m not sure I could focus anyway.
It’s like everything is on hold.
I’m waiting to get better to finish my path. I’m waiting till I can access my studio again. I’m waiting for the kids to leave for uni. I’m waiting for the talk therapy I was promised before they leave. We’re down to 31 days. I’m waiting for the meds to kick in and improve my mood. Wait wait wait.
Like watching a ticking clock.
Stuck up to my knees in muds so I have no way of moving forward and the footsteps back already vanishing in the swamp. Just stuck.
Something needs to change.
I crave something to nurture and care for. Something that needs me as much as I need them. A baby bird or pet. Something depending on me to keep it going, to motivate me, to focus my energy, to make me feel valued.
Both kids are on self destruct. It’s not helping my confidence in their leaving. But they’ve made it clear they don’t want my help. They want to do things their way. They’re desperate to fly the nest. I hoped they’d be ready. But this week I’m not so sure.
My husband is past it all too. Pissed off with their behaviour, pissed off with having to take care of me. Just pissed off in general. He’s like a little black cloud in the corner.
We all walk on eggshells around each other. All scared of saying the wrong thing, starting a fight. This isn’t a house that has anger or aggression, but like a thunderstorm, I feel it in the air.
And I seem to carry all the guilt. I feel I’m all to blame. I lit the touch paper when I slipped from reality. I caused the burden they all carry.
And I’m so so tired from it all.