Today has been non eventful.
Work quiet and pretty stressless.
In Fact it was pretty boring.
Tonight’s drive home was incredibly difficult.
My head wanted to go to the shops and buy a litre of vodka.
I wanted to hide it in my bedroom until I’ve gathered up enough meds that when the time comes I’d have enough courage to do the job properly.
I literally stopped my car at the junction sobbing trying to force myself to turn straight towards home and not the shops.
Thing is nothing has happened.
Nothing has prompted me to feel low or suicidal today.
It just overwhelmed me on my way home.
And I don’t even drink vodka. It’s not my bottle of choice so why I should be so fixated that this is what I need, I do not know.
I wish I knew where the button was to turn this off.
It’s not what I want.
But the urge becomes so strong that it almost feels impossible to resist