Today I’ve been thinking about glimmers.
Rather than dwelling on the negatives or the past, glimmers concentrate on the future. They’re the little moments of hope. Of how the future might be.
I had a glimmer this week.
It was of my kids futures. Of their successes. Of their achievements. They were enjoying a celebration. I’m not sure of what, but they were both there laughing and chatting. They had partners with them and there was a small child giggling.
And I just stood watching. Smiling at their happiness . And all of a sudden I was filled with anger. Anger that my ex would be there to enjoy it but I might be gone. Because of my mental health or my physical health. Either one could cause me to check out on life at any time. And I refused to let this happen. I deserve to see them happy.
I tried so hard to give my kids a happy future and I deserve to see it.
By the next day the glimmer had faded and my depression had hold again. Like Dexter described his dark passenger, the black follows me, pulling at me to let the dark consume.
I know if I can harness the power of the glimmers then my future can start to change. That positivity will have a knock on effect at helping me notice the good stuff. And sometimes that feels impossible. But I will hold on to the memories of that giggle, those smiles and hope they can be a future I will enjoy.