As part of my care plan I have to attend 3 classes each week. I see them as a kind of evidence that I am trying to get better. One of the classes is over zoom so that’s a doddle, but the other 2 are face to face. I have no issue with the class being face to face other than it’s location. It’s a 3 minute drive from both Costa and a Hobbycraft, and if you haven’t worked out from previous posts my go to therapy is new stationery, bullet journals and fancy pens to write in them with. … Continue reading “Hobbycraft addiction”
Category: Suicide
Ripples in the sea
Why is my head so broken? I keep asking myself over and over again. I keep convincing myself that a new journal, some stickers or painting kit is the solution. But no matter how hard I tried I kept returning to this state where my head was loud and confused. My head wanted me to go against its natural instinct to survive. Today I was blessed with a visit from 2 of my friends that helped put my notebook to good use. Between them they traveled a total of 6.5 hrs round trip to check in with me. We met … Continue reading “Ripples in the sea”
Must try harder
I’m due back to work tomorrow. I’m only going in 2 days this week. Ease me back in gently as my life is still full of therapy sessions and health checks. I had told my line manager that if anyone asked to please be honest with them. Before ‘the event’ 3 weeks ago I had sent my team an apology for not being on my A game as I was having issues with my mental health and thoughts of self harm and suicide. They’d all been pretty supportive. But when I spoke to HR to plan to go back they … Continue reading “Must try harder”
Crazy girl escapes
The village we live in is quite rural, quiet and quaint. The last Saturday of each month we have a comedy night in the village hall. And don’t get me wrong, for somewhere so obscure we get some good headliners. Tonight was my first proper ‘night’ out since ‘the incident’. My first night out being normal. And the best bit is they’ve changed my meds so it wasn’t going to be instant death if I sniff a glass of vino! So I made the most of it. Fish n chip supper followed by an amble to the hall. Now if … Continue reading “Crazy girl escapes”
Taking out the trash
The last 2 days I’ve taken 2 car fulls of bags of rubbish to the tip. It’s quite cathartic. 1 run was to dispose of the old sofa I’d thoroughly enjoyed smashing to pieces and the second run today was just for junk that had been accumulating around the house. Just stuff we no longer needed that was taking up space. I wish mental health was that easy. All the stuff that was originally boxed up in there, before the goo started leaking out of its boxes and infecting everything else. I wish I could just empty the boxes of … Continue reading “Taking out the trash”
When I grow up I want to be a mummy
Growing up whenever anyone asked me what I wanted to be I’d tell them proudly I wanted to be a mum. It was the only thing that mattered to me. My dolls in their pushchairs were never far away. I was going to have one called Megan and one called Elenore and we would spend our days doing craft projects, exploring nature and giggling all the time. But it didn’t really work out like that. First off my baby girl didn’t look like a Megan. And from 6 weeks old I was left bringing her up on my own as … Continue reading “When I grow up I want to be a mummy”
Its Dark in here, inside my head
It’s been a month since I reached out to my GP. Since I said the words “I need help”. Saying those words are one of the hardest words to say. I think they’re even harder than saying I’m sorry because anyone can say that, but if their actions don’t back them up, they’re just hollow and pointless. And since I asked for help, if anything I have got worse. I’ve been to the hospital twice. Once because it was thought I could be a risk to myself. And once because I took action to end my life. I’ve had the … Continue reading “Its Dark in here, inside my head”
Cake and psychology
My friend came to see me today. It’s been a while since we’ve chatted so there was lots to talk about. As always when we get together there is lots of tea and definitely cake. Cake is always a necessity. She told me about her kids. How they’re growing up. How her eldest is off to uni too. And her daughter has had struggles with friends on social media. Both things I can relate to. I told her about my troubles. My catastrophising. The urges to hurt myself as I don’t know how to deal with the pain I feel … Continue reading “Cake and psychology”
I just don’t want to be here
If I’m honest I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t know where I do want to be though. Last night I just wanted to run. Run into the darkness and hide somewhere noone would find me. Today I just don’t want to be in this house. I feel everything I say is wrong or contradicted. My head is loud, but I don’t want to do what it’s saying. That’s not my intention today, not the outcome I’m hoping for. Thats not the type of not being here I crave. I want to be out in the wild. Somewhere … Continue reading “I just don’t want to be here”
Low self-esteem? Me?
Low self-esteem? Me? It’s not a quality most people would relate to me. But that’s just because I’ve perfected my armor, created the ultimate camouflage. I wear amazing and crazy shoes, I make outrageously loud clothes that get me compliments where ever I go and I paint on that smile. And I put myself at the centre of attention whenever the opportunity arises. In groups I’m always a chatterbox making jokes, mainly about myself. I get the digs in before anyone else gets the chance. And for years it has worked for years. They see this loud gobby individual and … Continue reading “Low self-esteem? Me?”