I’ve been signed off. Work had called a meeting to discuss the amount of time I’ve had off. I had a note of amended duties and hours in place. They planned the meeting the week that note finished. I know I’m still not in the best place as I still keep having toxic thoughts and there is still no plan in place for any kind of counselling or therapy to give me the tools to move forward. So I contacted my GP for an extension on my note. A note work had said I wouldn’t need. When the GP sent … Continue reading “Not fit for work”
Category: Suicide
Fake Happy
As a gift I bought my daughter tickets to see one of her favourite bands performing at the O2. They’ve not played live for a few years so it was a big thing. A big thing that was arranged before my mental health had a downward spiral. I felt I owed it to her to paint on the smile and continue with the plan. And I did literally paint on the smile. Rainbow eyeshadow. Make myself look like I was participating in the excitement of the day. The drive up was dreadful. It was teaming down with rain and my … Continue reading “Fake Happy”
I want to go home
I want to go home. The reality is I’m sitting on our sofa in front of our TV, but I don’t feel home. Maybe an hour in bed would make me feel better, but right now nowhere feels quite like I’m home or a place where I can be myself. I paint on the face with the kids to they think I’m getting my shit together. They don’t deserve to keep seeing the wreck that I am. And I’ve tried talking to my husband, but because my thoughts are so contradictory to one another he does seem to be able … Continue reading “I want to go home”
Hoarding is a bad idea
Today has been non eventful. Work quiet and pretty stressless. In Fact it was pretty boring. Tonight’s drive home was incredibly difficult. My head wanted to go to the shops and buy a litre of vodka. I wanted to hide it in my bedroom until I’ve gathered up enough meds that when the time comes I’d have enough courage to do the job properly. I literally stopped my car at the junction sobbing trying to force myself to turn straight towards home and not the shops. Thing is nothing has happened. Nothing has prompted me to feel low or suicidal … Continue reading “Hoarding is a bad idea”
A pig on a pirate ship
I’ve spent the last couple of days numb. And a little bit tearful too. But I haven’t been obsessed with self destruction. I haven’t thought of killing myself again. I think that’s a good thing. Maybe the meds are finally kicking in. Or maybe I’m just becoming used to being the kind of person who cannot be responsible for myself, so rely on others to feed me, medicate me, tell me when to bathe. I’ve also spent most of those days asleep every moment I’m not pretending at adulting. Although this evening I managed to spend an hour or 2 … Continue reading “A pig on a pirate ship”
Rose tinted specs
I got my paper work through today. The letter to say they’ve signed me off the crisis team and am now under the acute day services. And will be passed over to the adult mental health services after that. They’d promised they wouldn’t do that until my meds were finalised and another meeting held, but that didn’t happen. They make me sound like I’ve thoroughly enjoyed and embraced my time with them and I’m coming on board in leaps and bounds. They’ve failed to mention since signing on with them I slit my wrists. And they failed to mention how … Continue reading “Rose tinted specs”
I’m in an unsafe place today
I’m in an unsafe place today. I don’t feel I will do anything, but I don’t feel I should be alone. My heart is heavy and I feel like all that will help is to cry, the kind of crying where the sobs are guttural and uncontrollable. My babies are due home in a couple of hours. I wanted to be more like my old self again before they came home, but that expectation is out of reach. All I can give them is the broken person I have become. No further into my recovery from when they left on … Continue reading “I’m in an unsafe place today”
I’m due back at work tomorrow
I’m due back at work tomorrow. After complaining to the adult services team that I don’t really get standard anxiety their course described, my anxiety is through the roof today. I was in 2.5 days last week so it’s not like I haven’t been back at work since I was so poorly. But I’m just nervous that I won’t be able to hack it. My mood today is very fragile. I know that I could easily get triggered and self-harm again. I’m also annoyed with myself for wasting the Easter holidays by achieving absolutely nothing. It’s hard to make myself … Continue reading “I’m due back at work tomorrow”
I should be in the pub right now
Today we were all meant to be going to the pub straight from work. I’ve been really looking forward to it. A time to chill and have a proper laugh to counter how busy we’ve been lately. Instead, it got to my lunch break and I had to come home. The anxiety meds I’ve been put on just aren’t working and the antidepressants are a long way from kicking in. I’m spending far too many hours thinking and planning my exit. I phoned the GP to ask if there was anything I could take to quieten my mind whilst the … Continue reading “I should be in the pub right now”
Dont do anything stupid, I need you in my life
Don’t do anything stupid, I need you in my life. Reading those words that were text to me today by my husband it should have melted my heart and made me feel brave enough to fight on. All they did was make me feel guilty as it was something I couldn’t promise not to do. I had to pick up a prescription on my way home. I purposely didn’t take my purse in as I knew I’d buy 2 boxes of paracetamol and ibuprofen, then buy a litre of vodka and down the lot. That’s where my head is at. … Continue reading “Dont do anything stupid, I need you in my life”