If your close to me, I wonder if you’ve seen it too? The pattern. The self sabotage? It’s something I’ve grown to recognise in my life. Just when things are going good, I do something to mess it all up. Bring my world crashing down. This time it’s my job. Since closing my business I have struggled to feel comfortable and welcomed in the workplace. I have held down a couple of jobs, but I’ve never really been a proper fit. But at last, in August last year, I thought I’d found my place. The team was funny and made … Continue reading “The Pattern”
Category: Suicide
I used to be
I’ve met quite a lot of new people in the past 10 months. And I find myself uttering the same phrase over and over again. I used to be; First I met new work colleagues, then counsellors and therapist. Now strangers in different support groups. And they always ask what bought you here. When I was younger, my ‘used to be ‘ was for shock effect. I used to be a gravedigger. And it’s true. When I first left school from June to September every day I went to work with my dad to help. I was 15 years old, … Continue reading “I used to be”
I ran away
I ran away. Just for a week, and I found peace. My brain stopped torturing me with thoughts of self-loathing and harm. I found peace. I found beauty in my surroundings and I lived for the quiet. My days were filled with rest, painting and meeting new people who had new conversations and passions. And then I came home. I cried myself to sleep last night. I had made so many plans in my head of how I would celebrate my son’s 18th, my children’s end of college before they escape to uni, and how I would send them off … Continue reading “I ran away”
Feeling violated
I’m feeling stressed and very unsafe. I’m due to have a meeting at work soon. Trying to convince them to keep my job open. The GP has currently signed me off for 2 months. But I really want to be back sooner. My GP has agreed to amend the sicknote if I can work from home for 3 days a week. A slow reintroduction to work. But work aren’t interested in allowing me to have that flexibility. Work have requested copies of my medical notes. They’ve taken 4 weeks to be sent through to me, ahead of being sent to … Continue reading “Feeling violated”
The Phoenix
Work has been playing on my mind. They’ve requested a copy of my medical records. The occupational therapist has suggested I start back with a month of 3 days work from home. I’ve sent them everything from the mental health teams I’ve been working with, but they’re still holding out. Or maybe just waiting for my sicknote to end. Either way I am anxious. And the anxiety is making me think they don’t want me back. In the past I have been on my knees so many times wondering how I will get through. Not just with work, but with … Continue reading “The Phoenix”
20 mins of gardening equals 3 days of punishment and pain
I’m in an unsafe place today. I don’t feel I will do anything, but I don’t feel I should be alone. My heart is heavy and I feel like all that will help is to cry, the kind of crying where the sobs are guttural and uncontrollable. My babies are due home in a couple of hours. I wanted to be more like my old self again before they came home, but that expectation is out of reach. All I can give them is the broken person I have become. No further into my recovery from when they left on … Continue reading “20 mins of gardening equals 3 days of punishment and pain”
The Suicide Squad
Imagine being in a situation where your baby, your most adored little being in the world struggles so hard with their life that they think about ending it. As a teen it was something I personally experienced myself. A belief that I wasn’t enough and the world would be better without me. The last thing I’d ever want in my life is for one of my babies to be in that position. But 2016 here we were. And being on that journey, to get your child the help and support they need is one of the lonely experiences I have … Continue reading “The Suicide Squad”
I’m struggling again
I’m struggling again. Last night I nearly had to wake my husband up to keep me safe as the urge to self-harm was overwhelming. Thankfully my nightly meds kicked in and sent me to the darkness of sleep that I craved. I’m pretty sure I know the triggers this time. A combination of the Acute Therapy Centre signing me off with my last session today. I still have not been allocated a new lead therapist at the community team, so no real plan of action to give me the tools to master the causes of my emotional triggers, no tools … Continue reading “I’m struggling again”
2 Months off
The Dr has signed me off for 2 months. I’m fighting it as the reality is I’ll not have a job to go back to. But let’s say I have my 2 months. The reality is I’ll continue to sit on the sofa doing the odd bit of art, maybe a bit of blogging and remain on a waiting list for help I need to move forward. Scrolling through Netflix whilst being unable to decide what to watch. And napping the majority of my time. What I’d like to do with that 2 months. Blitz the house from top to … Continue reading “2 Months off”
Who did I used to be?
I’m struggling again. Last night I nearly had to wake my husband up to keep me safe as the urge to self harm was overwhelming. Thankfully my nightly meds kicked in and sent me to the darkness of sleep that I craved. I’m pretty sure I know the triggers this time. A combination of the Acute Therapy Centre signing me off with my last session today. I still have not been allocated a new lead therapist at the community team, so no real plan of action to give me the tools to master the causes of my emotional triggers, no … Continue reading “Who did I used to be?”