Today I’ve been thinking about glimmers. Rather than dwelling on the negatives or the past, glimmers concentrate on the future. They’re the little moments of hope. Of how the future might be. I had a glimmer this week. It was of my kids futures. Of their successes. Of their achievements. They were enjoying a celebration. I’m not sure of what, but they were both there laughing and chatting. They had partners with them and there was a small child giggling. And I just stood watching. Smiling at their happiness . And all of a sudden I was filled with anger. … Continue reading “Glimmers”
Category: Suicide
I’ve not written for a while
I’ve not written for a while. I guess I thought I didn’t need it. I thought I was getting better. But I’ve realised I’m not. I’ve just been masking. I’ve been coming off my medication to see if I can find a better more stable version of me. The plan is to start mood stabilisers because I honestly thought the antidepressants weren’t working. But as I have reduced the dosage, the thoughts of letting the black wash over me are so very present. The problem with the antidepressants is how they make me feel with the rest of things. I … Continue reading “I’ve not written for a while”
2023 The year I tried
I think 2023 will forever be known as the year I tried. I tried to kill myself, I tried to refind myself, I tried to hold it together as my head filled with poison over things I could no longer control. I tried to build bridges. I tried to move forward despite the feeling that I was constantly wading through treacle. I tried to be well when I’m still very much not well at all. And currently, that relates to my trying to ‘do’ Christmas. If you have been on this site for more than a couple of clicks, you’ll … Continue reading “2023 The year I tried”
The French exchange
I got some news last month. I have held this post like a boiled sweet in my mouth. Moving it side to side, let it melt for a moment to understand the complexity, the flavour, for I know my thoughts might not be how others feel or accept. A friend has passed away. I say friend, but in all honesty with life and busyness and stuff we very rarely spoke now. On paper we should have been each others support. They had fibro too. Life has rolled some punches and mental health has kicked their arse. Such common ground. We … Continue reading “The French exchange”
Ruby Wax- I snotted on her Cashmere!
I remember watching Ruby Wax on TV with Mum and Dad. I can’t remember the program she was on, but I do remember the shoulder shakes from them when one of her comments tickled them. Dad was never really a feminist so laughing out loud wasn’t done, but somehow he bought up me as one. An independent arsehole that refused to take help from anyone. No matter what sex I was, I could bloody do it if I put my mind to it. And it’s still a philosophy that I stand by, even when my body tries to fail me. … Continue reading “Ruby Wax- I snotted on her Cashmere!”
I’ve lost my Joy
I’ve lost my joy. My days just feel bleak as I sit on the sofa watching the hours pass by. Each night I end my day with frustration, at all the time I let slip by me. Minutes turned to hours where I’ve scrolled, slept or stared at a screen absorbing nothing. My life is rushing past so fast but I’m no longer participating. I have projects waiting. I have tasks that need doing. But my motivation has vanished. Even things I would usually be passionate about spark nothing, no matter how desperately I wish it would. I just feel … Continue reading “I’ve lost my Joy”
Mental health support is just a lie
Today I feel anger. Today I feel violence. And heaven help those who cross me. When you look on the internet, in the papers and on the news you’d be forgiven for thinking that mental health is a big thing that we are all encouraged to talk about, to be supportive of those who struggle and that help is out there. But I’m here to tell you it’s bullshit. People don’t like to associate with those who have mental health struggles. It’s a dirty little secret that should not be seen or heard. Hide it away. Bury it deep inside, … Continue reading “Mental health support is just a lie”
Glorious HRT
In 2017 I went to my GP due to sweats, pain, low mood and memory loss. They suggested I was perimenopausal, but without a blood test to prove otherwise, the fact that I still had a regular monthly cycle, they wouldn’t treat me. I have been seeing my GP every 2 weeks since March. Most of the visits we focus on my mental health, my pain levels from fibro, and all the big things that are affecting my life right now. About 2 months ago I happened to mention, that with the warmer weather, my sweats were nye on impossible … Continue reading “Glorious HRT”
Do you know who I am?
Do you recognise me? Do you know who I am? This feeling of amnesia. I remember the old me. The business woman. The unstoppable force that could turn her hand to anything. Rotting lean-to? I rebuilt that in a week. Leaking toilet? I refitted the whole washroom over a weekend. A wasteland turned into a beautiful garden. That was me too. And then my body broke. It took a long time to adjust. The pattern of overdoing it, then suffering in pain and frustration. Oh that pain. It made me want to scream each time it hit. But my mind … Continue reading “Do you know who I am?”
My brain is broken
Yesterday I attended an appointment I’ve been waiting for since April. It’s been canceled a couple of time, and in my mind there was a lot riding on it. Maybe I put too much emphasis on this meeting.T he meeting was with a specialist to discuss my medication and potentially give me a diagnosis that would change the way my treatment plan moving forward would look like. Ahead of the meeting I spent time with my mental health nurse to check in how my week had been and to check in with how I was feeling in regards to the … Continue reading “My brain is broken”