There is a meme going round that says ‘I’m in my villain phase’, but I’m not. I’m no villain. I’m in my ‘prioritising me’ phase. And if you don’t like that then I’m sorry, but I’m not going to change. For years I have been told, when I voice my opinion, that I am being argumentative, but I’m not. I’ve just wanted to be heard. You don’t have to agree with me or my opinion, that’s not what I’m asking for, but you do need to acknowledge my truth. It started when I was a teen. Every time I stood … Continue reading “Being the Villain”
Category: Road to recovery
When death comes
Your emotions will come like waves. Let them come, don’t fight them. You can miss someone and not like everything about them. Don’t feel guilty if the bad times try to fight their way to the front of your mind. Recognise that they were part of the package. Everyone grieves differently, don’t judge. Death can bring out the worst in people so put your boundaries in place and stick to them. Say their name when you’re with people that knew them. Be kind to yourself because it’s a lot to deal with when someone dies
Glimmers
Today I’ve been thinking about glimmers. Rather than dwelling on the negatives or the past, glimmers concentrate on the future. They’re the little moments of hope. Of how the future might be. I had a glimmer this week. It was of my kids futures. Of their successes. Of their achievements. They were enjoying a celebration. I’m not sure of what, but they were both there laughing and chatting. They had partners with them and there was a small child giggling. And I just stood watching. Smiling at their happiness . And all of a sudden I was filled with anger. … Continue reading “Glimmers”
I’ve not written for a while
I’ve not written for a while. I guess I thought I didn’t need it. I thought I was getting better. But I’ve realised I’m not. I’ve just been masking. I’ve been coming off my medication to see if I can find a better more stable version of me. The plan is to start mood stabilisers because I honestly thought the antidepressants weren’t working. But as I have reduced the dosage, the thoughts of letting the black wash over me are so very present. The problem with the antidepressants is how they make me feel with the rest of things. I … Continue reading “I’ve not written for a while”
Im Sorry
I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry. These words are second nature. I saw a post last week about how many times us Brits apologise. I was sorry about that. I felt like it was shameful to use that word so often. But yet I still do. I’m sorry I didn’t call you. We said we should, but life got different. I’m sorry we didn’t have that meet-up. It would have done the world of good. Instead the world got dark. I’m sorry that I zoned out for the last 6 months, I never should have taken the tablets that allowed … Continue reading “Im Sorry”
2023 The year I tried
I think 2023 will forever be known as the year I tried. I tried to kill myself, I tried to refind myself, I tried to hold it together as my head filled with poison over things I could no longer control. I tried to build bridges. I tried to move forward despite the feeling that I was constantly wading through treacle. I tried to be well when I’m still very much not well at all. And currently, that relates to my trying to ‘do’ Christmas. If you have been on this site for more than a couple of clicks, you’ll … Continue reading “2023 The year I tried”
There is that Van again
That vans there again. Parked across the street. I don’t even know if you work there anymore, but each time I see it I feel fear. A visceral shaking to my core at the thought you could be close. I tried running before, but the memories followed me, and I still found your face in crowds despite it being impossible that it could be you. Nearly 30 years and you still hold the power. My fear is to catch your eye, because I know if I looked into them again my throat would close and I would be back there. … Continue reading “There is that Van again”
Those panic attack phonecalls.
I got a text from a friend today. Just a normal text, “are you free to chat” Now unless I’m taking a poo or serving out dinner, I’ll find time to talk to pretty much anyone. My phone rang almost as soon as my response was sent. I couldn’t hear any words, just those long laboured gasps of hyperventilation. “Are you ok? Are you safe?” I recognised it straight away. A panic attack. I not only get the odd call from friends experiencing this themselves, but I’m no stranger to my own panic attacks. “Ye….. I just…… I can’t…..” I … Continue reading “Those panic attack phonecalls.”
Ruby Wax- I snotted on her Cashmere!
I remember watching Ruby Wax on TV with Mum and Dad. I can’t remember the program she was on, but I do remember the shoulder shakes from them when one of her comments tickled them. Dad was never really a feminist so laughing out loud wasn’t done, but somehow he bought up me as one. An independent arsehole that refused to take help from anyone. No matter what sex I was, I could bloody do it if I put my mind to it. And it’s still a philosophy that I stand by, even when my body tries to fail me. … Continue reading “Ruby Wax- I snotted on her Cashmere!”
I’ve lost my Joy
I’ve lost my joy. My days just feel bleak as I sit on the sofa watching the hours pass by. Each night I end my day with frustration, at all the time I let slip by me. Minutes turned to hours where I’ve scrolled, slept or stared at a screen absorbing nothing. My life is rushing past so fast but I’m no longer participating. I have projects waiting. I have tasks that need doing. But my motivation has vanished. Even things I would usually be passionate about spark nothing, no matter how desperately I wish it would. I just feel … Continue reading “I’ve lost my Joy”