I’m feel I’m out my depth again. Treading water knowing the big waves are heading my way. I get like this each year. Watching everyone else preparing and celebrating the season. But no matter how hard I try to get caught up in their revelries, it’s just out of reach, like it’s brushing past my fingertips but I just can’t grab hold. I’ve started writing lists again. Of all the things I need to cross off before the big day comes. Order prescriptions, write cards, buy gifts and get them wrapped. I realise how far behind I am on being … Continue reading “All out of Christmas cheer”
Category: Mental Health
A lot can change in 10 years
I’ve had a new house, new husband and new career. You have a granddaughter that you never even knew about. 10 years has literally been a lifetime but not a day goes past where I don’t miss you and am not grateful for all that I am thanks to you. There are so many times I have gone to pick up the phone. To call you. To tell you. Jonny? He’s so clever, he’s cheeky, he’s funny and his heart is so big. He’s going place. The spark in him will light fires. And Katie’s so beautiful. A voice like … Continue reading “A lot can change in 10 years”
When that gut feeling takes over
Knives like silver and diamond fall from the dark onto the windscreen as the blades swish furiously in the dark. It’s nothing like that day, but the knot in my stomach is there. Filled with dread. My brain is telling me that something bad is coming. That I need to get home and check on my husband and kids. Until I see them with my own eyes, my mind will keep playing tricks, convincing me there is something terribly wrong. That day was a cold day. We’d had snow. I knew something was wrong early on. I kept ringing. Waiting … Continue reading “When that gut feeling takes over”
Garnet beads glisten in the light
They’re back, knocking at your door. Even if you hadn’t looked through the peek hole you would know it’s them. You feel their presents. A taunting. A calling. They want to join the party, but don’t they realise it’s just you here on your own, with your own thoughts. You think it’s safe to let them in. Just for a short while. Toy with their feelings. Listen to what they have to say. You forget the poison they speak. They just bring the doubts, the questioning, the deprecating. Determined, you saying they’d just stay for a moment. But they’re still … Continue reading “Garnet beads glisten in the light”
A little fall of rain
Driving home last week I was sad. The verges were filled with browns and golds, the greens all faded and gone. Now, this usually would excite me—the start of autumn, the changing of the leaves. But this wasn’t that. The countryside is burnt to a crisp from the heat of the sun. An exceptional heatwave hit the UK in July, and then a second hit at the beginning of August and all the plants and wildlife have shriveled and many perished. Everything looks beyond saving. It feels like we will never have our beautiful green countryside back. But yesterday something … Continue reading “A little fall of rain”
New job, New me
I start a new job next week. If I’m honest I have mixed emotions about it. There is excitement and nervousness all mixed together and there is sadness too. For starters, I’ll be the new girl. And I’ll have a whole heap of things to learn. I know I will spend the coming weeks wiped out with trying to remember it all. But thats ok. Im looking forward to that bit. I like learning new things. And with this job comes big changes. It’ll be the first time in a long time I won’t be paying in my own wages. … Continue reading “New job, New me”
Are we nearly there yet?
Today has been hard We were due to finish our holiday on Saturday. which allowed us 2 days visiting Germany But being this close to the end, we realised we all just want to be home. Ever since that decision was made I have felt like I just want to cry. Not the silent tears that fell when visiting Auschwitz, but the big heartfelt sobs that leave you exhausted and covered in snot. It doesn’t help that I’ve felt poorly. My irritating perky attitude has slipped away and I feel a shell of the girl who started this trip. I … Continue reading “Are we nearly there yet?”
There is a Bug in the Hot Tub
There is a bug in the hot tub. I am watching it as it is churned round and around by the bubbles. Every now and then it disappears from my sight, as it is pulled under by the current. I hold my breath, praying it won’t surface too close to me. I could scoop it out with my hand, it would only take a second, but I refuse to as I’m trying to relax. But I cannot take my eyes from it. Just in case. The tension in my shoulders and jaw remain. This week I have been haunted. A … Continue reading “There is a Bug in the Hot Tub”
Dad would have liked it here
I’m sitting somewhere high in the hills of the Austrian/German border. There is not a cloud in the sky. The only sounds I can hear are the crickets chirping in the grasses and forest leaves that rustle from the trees that surround me. A waggtail and its mate hop from branch to branch, their tails bobbing with each pause they make. And butterflies dance in the air. I feel a peace here that I havent felt in a long time. And in that peace, I feel a comfort. Like my dad is near. I have always wanted to believe, each … Continue reading “Dad would have liked it here”
Auschwitz
Just pulling up to the car park I feel a nervous apprehension. A lump in my throat. The humour that has accompanied our roadtrip to date no longer appropriate. Entering the camp there is a silence across the place that even the birds respect. Visitors speak in hushed voices as though they try not to disturb any spirits that many linger. Any raised voice or nervous giggle are met with tuts and frowns. But otherwise you wouldnt know the secrets that this place holds. The yard looks like an old run down holiday camp. Large brick buildings set in rows. … Continue reading “Auschwitz”