There’s just 3 of us in the room. Plus a guard on the door and a watcher in the corner. I try to convince myself that’s for them and not me. Both other occupants are teenagers. One on a comedown and one struggling with their mental health. I tell myself I dont belong in a room with them. But I recognise the one as who I was at that age. I just didn’t end up here back then. Maybe I should have. Maybe I’d have got the help I needed it would have stopped me from doing what I did … Continue reading “The room with a guard on the door”
Category: Mental Health
Will actions speak louder than words?
If I’m honest Im feeling very let down. I was promised a referral to the mental health team would start to heal me. It was rushed through with a 2 week wait. In that 2 week wait I was taken to A&E as those who love me and care for me felt I was a danger to myself. Don’t worry said the hospital. The adult services will help you out. They’ll review your meds and get you strong again. They gave me some papers and a list of breathing exercises to help me through when the urge to cut got … Continue reading “Will actions speak louder than words?”
Sometimes its more than just a word. So choose them wisely
As part of my referral to the medical team who are going to help me. I was sent a form. It asks for details on my history, family dynamics, events that have happened, any history of mental health issues. It laid it out in a specific format, but when I started writing the words just flowed out and didn’t stick to their rules. But that’s me right there. I don’t really like the rules. I’ve always made my own. But I had covered all their points. I wrote down how difficult getting out the house for school each morning was … Continue reading “Sometimes its more than just a word. So choose them wisely”
We’re in crisis
Apparently we are in crisis. The thoughts in my head like venom have drip drip dripped into my mind and have left me unsafe. We have a visit each day from a carer. They write down my height, weight, hair colour and eye colour. They even want to know about tattoos I have. I wonder if this is incase I run away, or is it just to identify my body. It’s a strange thought to think they’ll need this information. As I’m feeling quite normal in this moment. But the dark thoughts are lurking in the back. The second my … Continue reading “We’re in crisis”
ADHD?
So there was me just thinking I was really unhinged. It started with the kids getting their places in uni. My weekends are being filled with choosing accommodation and applications for grants. Whilst I have every confidence my kids can feed themselves, wash their pants and be polite in others’ company, did I teach them enough about budgeting? I’m a bookkeeper for goodness sake. It’s in my nature to budget, but did they pick up these skills? And what about street sense? Will they find their way home? Know how to adapt if their transport gets cancelled and what about … Continue reading “ADHD?”
The art of conversation
Do you remember the art of talking? It feels like something we used to do. But since the world came out of lockdown we have lost these skills. It’s not like we go around in silence, but the exchanges are all so superficial. What happened to the conversations about following our dreams or how you came to be you.I want to hear your darkest thoughts, share your theories on what happens after death and discuss conspiracies. Let’s analyse it all. The kind of conversations where you look at the clock and you’ve lost hours learning more about who we truly … Continue reading “The art of conversation”
a little bit of tea and sympathy
Why’s it all so superficial? Do you know what I miss? Deep conversation. Pick a topic, I don’t mind what, but let’s deep dive it. I had a friend at work who was always happy to unpack conversations. We talked religion, we talked family histories, we talked the meaning of existence and it was great. But then it stopped. Which is fine. But noone else wants to step up and fill the void. Everyone else just wants to talk fluff. What the last customer said, what’s next week’s weather looking like and what’s on the menu. At a push we’ll … Continue reading “a little bit of tea and sympathy”
Sofa shopping
So we shopped for a new sofa in the sales. It was just a replacement for the one we’ve got. Theres nothing wrong with the leather of the one there. But it’s sagging in the middle, it’s a bit more lumpy and not like it used to be. It feels familiar. It was just the 2 of us and I figured it would be an easy day. Oh how wrong could I be. Who knew sofa shopping would be such an emotional rollercoaster? We sat on no less than 50 sofas. Over a period of 5 hours no. But that … Continue reading “Sofa shopping”
Rooting
I have always found a walk around my garden can be enough to clear my head. Barefoot whilst letting my toes flex into the grass. Walking around to see each plant, to find the buds about to open, or to see the insects sample the nectar and pollen inside the open fragrant blooms. But its muddy now. The plants are dormant, awaiting the first spring sunshine. I think that’s why I struggle in the winter. Autumn is fine. I find it homely. The first crisp mornings. The changing of the colours and falling of the leaves. The smell of leaves … Continue reading “Rooting”
I thought Christmases would get easier.
This Christmas has been one of the hardest yet. I thought that they would get easier as time went on, but that’s not the case. I tried so hard to get into the Christmas spirit. I know those around me love the season and I know my mood brings them all down. I would do anything to be different but I’m not. This year I bought my first gift in November. Got all fired up to make changes. To be more festive. My husband nagged me to get the wrapping down early so it didn’t end up a last-minute task … Continue reading “I thought Christmases would get easier.”