Do you recognise me? Do you know who I am? This feeling of amnesia. I remember the old me. The business woman. The unstoppable force that could turn her hand to anything. Rotting lean-to? I rebuilt that in a week. Leaking toilet? I refitted the whole washroom over a weekend. A wasteland turned into a beautiful garden. That was me too. And then my body broke. It took a long time to adjust. The pattern of overdoing it, then suffering in pain and frustration. Oh that pain. It made me want to scream each time it hit. But my mind … Continue reading “Do you know who I am?”
Category: Mental Health
My brain is broken
Yesterday I attended an appointment I’ve been waiting for since April. It’s been canceled a couple of time, and in my mind there was a lot riding on it. Maybe I put too much emphasis on this meeting.T he meeting was with a specialist to discuss my medication and potentially give me a diagnosis that would change the way my treatment plan moving forward would look like. Ahead of the meeting I spent time with my mental health nurse to check in how my week had been and to check in with how I was feeling in regards to the … Continue reading “My brain is broken”
The Pattern
If your close to me, I wonder if you’ve seen it too? The pattern. The self sabotage? It’s something I’ve grown to recognise in my life. Just when things are going good, I do something to mess it all up. Bring my world crashing down. This time it’s my job. Since closing my business I have struggled to feel comfortable and welcomed in the workplace. I have held down a couple of jobs, but I’ve never really been a proper fit. But at last, in August last year, I thought I’d found my place. The team was funny and made … Continue reading “The Pattern”
I used to be
I’ve met quite a lot of new people in the past 10 months. And I find myself uttering the same phrase over and over again. I used to be; First I met new work colleagues, then counsellors and therapist. Now strangers in different support groups. And they always ask what bought you here. When I was younger, my ‘used to be ‘ was for shock effect. I used to be a gravedigger. And it’s true. When I first left school from June to September every day I went to work with my dad to help. I was 15 years old, … Continue reading “I used to be”
I ran away
I ran away. Just for a week, and I found peace. My brain stopped torturing me with thoughts of self-loathing and harm. I found peace. I found beauty in my surroundings and I lived for the quiet. My days were filled with rest, painting and meeting new people who had new conversations and passions. And then I came home. I cried myself to sleep last night. I had made so many plans in my head of how I would celebrate my son’s 18th, my children’s end of college before they escape to uni, and how I would send them off … Continue reading “I ran away”
I’m sitting on the sofa crying again
I’m sitting on the sofa crying. No one really seems to be noticing. I’ve already cried in the shower today and cried again when I went up to the loo. I just sat there sobbing. I’m not really sure what I’m crying for. This morning I got up with every intention to tackle the front yard. No mow May is well and truly over and quite frankly it’s become completely out of control. I got up, dressed according and headed down on a mission. Just walking down the stairs was hard enough. I was completely out of puff. I took … Continue reading “I’m sitting on the sofa crying again”
Feeling violated
I’m feeling stressed and very unsafe. I’m due to have a meeting at work soon. Trying to convince them to keep my job open. The GP has currently signed me off for 2 months. But I really want to be back sooner. My GP has agreed to amend the sicknote if I can work from home for 3 days a week. A slow reintroduction to work. But work aren’t interested in allowing me to have that flexibility. Work have requested copies of my medical notes. They’ve taken 4 weeks to be sent through to me, ahead of being sent to … Continue reading “Feeling violated”
Hollow
Hollow. That’s the only real way I can describe myself at the moment. I just feel empty. A husk. The world continues around me, but I’m not a participant. I keep things of things I could do to try to raise my spirits, but the truth is they’ll just get added to a long list of things I will continue to procrastinate. I’m still waiting to hear if I am going to be able to keep my job. Whether they can be adaptable enough to let me work from home 3 days a week to build myself back up. If … Continue reading “Hollow”
The Phoenix
Work has been playing on my mind. They’ve requested a copy of my medical records. The occupational therapist has suggested I start back with a month of 3 days work from home. I’ve sent them everything from the mental health teams I’ve been working with, but they’re still holding out. Or maybe just waiting for my sicknote to end. Either way I am anxious. And the anxiety is making me think they don’t want me back. In the past I have been on my knees so many times wondering how I will get through. Not just with work, but with … Continue reading “The Phoenix”
An evening conversing with my big brother
My brother has just had a staring contest with his pup. The dog had upset him. He’d been ‘affectionate with the cushion again’. He then yelled “You’re an utter Bastard and I shall flick you with my handkerchief”, which he then proceeded to do. With this the dog first tried ripping said handkerchief, then bounced round the furniture growling with his plastic bone. He’s now complaining about an odour coming from his pups furry butt. He’s taking turns holding said dog like a baby alternating between sniffing his mouth and sniffing his arse. If I’m honest its a little nauseating. … Continue reading “An evening conversing with my big brother”