There is a meme going round that says ‘I’m in my villain phase’, but I’m not. I’m no villain. I’m in my ‘prioritising me’ phase. And if you don’t like that then I’m sorry, but I’m not going to change. For years I have been told, when I voice my opinion, that I am being argumentative, but I’m not. I’ve just wanted to be heard. You don’t have to agree with me or my opinion, that’s not what I’m asking for, but you do need to acknowledge my truth. It started when I was a teen. Every time I stood … Continue reading “Being the Villain”
Category: Mental Health
An apology costs nothing
On my wedding day to the kids dad I borrowed a ring that had belonged to my grandmother. I vividly remembered giving it back to my dad before he left the party. But within a month he asked for it back. And despite my protests he refused to check at home and I was labeled a thief. In fact it got so bad that we broke contact for over 18 months. I had moments of doubt that maybe I had remembered wrong and I had lost it, but it would never have been done with purpose, and the label of … Continue reading “An apology costs nothing”
Glimmers
Today I’ve been thinking about glimmers. Rather than dwelling on the negatives or the past, glimmers concentrate on the future. They’re the little moments of hope. Of how the future might be. I had a glimmer this week. It was of my kids futures. Of their successes. Of their achievements. They were enjoying a celebration. I’m not sure of what, but they were both there laughing and chatting. They had partners with them and there was a small child giggling. And I just stood watching. Smiling at their happiness . And all of a sudden I was filled with anger. … Continue reading “Glimmers”
I’ve not written for a while
I’ve not written for a while. I guess I thought I didn’t need it. I thought I was getting better. But I’ve realised I’m not. I’ve just been masking. I’ve been coming off my medication to see if I can find a better more stable version of me. The plan is to start mood stabilisers because I honestly thought the antidepressants weren’t working. But as I have reduced the dosage, the thoughts of letting the black wash over me are so very present. The problem with the antidepressants is how they make me feel with the rest of things. I … Continue reading “I’ve not written for a while”
Im Sorry
I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry. These words are second nature. I saw a post last week about how many times us Brits apologise. I was sorry about that. I felt like it was shameful to use that word so often. But yet I still do. I’m sorry I didn’t call you. We said we should, but life got different. I’m sorry we didn’t have that meet-up. It would have done the world of good. Instead the world got dark. I’m sorry that I zoned out for the last 6 months, I never should have taken the tablets that allowed … Continue reading “Im Sorry”
I dreamt my kids were still babies
I dreamt my kids were still babies last night. But I knew they were grown adults and couldn’t figure out why they were here as babies again. I was trying to feed them things they hated as a child but enjoy now. They wanted to do crafts and as always I didn’t want the glitter getting everywhere. One of my kids was suffering sores around their nappy line and I told them I was sorry and that I knew how uncomfortable that was as I too get sores around my HRT patches some days. We were throwing a party at … Continue reading “I dreamt my kids were still babies”
2023 The year I tried
I think 2023 will forever be known as the year I tried. I tried to kill myself, I tried to refind myself, I tried to hold it together as my head filled with poison over things I could no longer control. I tried to build bridges. I tried to move forward despite the feeling that I was constantly wading through treacle. I tried to be well when I’m still very much not well at all. And currently, that relates to my trying to ‘do’ Christmas. If you have been on this site for more than a couple of clicks, you’ll … Continue reading “2023 The year I tried”
There is that Van again
That vans there again. Parked across the street. I don’t even know if you work there anymore, but each time I see it I feel fear. A visceral shaking to my core at the thought you could be close. I tried running before, but the memories followed me, and I still found your face in crowds despite it being impossible that it could be you. Nearly 30 years and you still hold the power. My fear is to catch your eye, because I know if I looked into them again my throat would close and I would be back there. … Continue reading “There is that Van again”
The French exchange
I got some news last month. I have held this post like a boiled sweet in my mouth. Moving it side to side, let it melt for a moment to understand the complexity, the flavour, for I know my thoughts might not be how others feel or accept. A friend has passed away. I say friend, but in all honesty with life and busyness and stuff we very rarely spoke now. On paper we should have been each others support. They had fibro too. Life has rolled some punches and mental health has kicked their arse. Such common ground. We … Continue reading “The French exchange”
Those panic attack phonecalls.
I got a text from a friend today. Just a normal text, “are you free to chat” Now unless I’m taking a poo or serving out dinner, I’ll find time to talk to pretty much anyone. My phone rang almost as soon as my response was sent. I couldn’t hear any words, just those long laboured gasps of hyperventilation. “Are you ok? Are you safe?” I recognised it straight away. A panic attack. I not only get the odd call from friends experiencing this themselves, but I’m no stranger to my own panic attacks. “Ye….. I just…… I can’t…..” I … Continue reading “Those panic attack phonecalls.”