I’ve had a new house, new husband and new career. You have a granddaughter that you never even knew about. 10 years has literally been a lifetime but not a day goes past where I don’t miss you and am not grateful for all that I am thanks to you. There are so many times I have gone to pick up the phone. To call you. To tell you. Jonny? He’s so clever, he’s cheeky, he’s funny and his heart is so big. He’s going place. The spark in him will light fires. And Katie’s so beautiful. A voice like … Continue reading “A lot can change in 10 years”
Category: Grief
When that gut feeling takes over
Knives like silver and diamond fall from the dark onto the windscreen as the blades swish furiously in the dark. It’s nothing like that day, but the knot in my stomach is there. Filled with dread. My brain is telling me that something bad is coming. That I need to get home and check on my husband and kids. Until I see them with my own eyes, my mind will keep playing tricks, convincing me there is something terribly wrong. That day was a cold day. We’d had snow. I knew something was wrong early on. I kept ringing. Waiting … Continue reading “When that gut feeling takes over”
Garnet beads glisten in the light
They’re back, knocking at your door. Even if you hadn’t looked through the peek hole you would know it’s them. You feel their presents. A taunting. A calling. They want to join the party, but don’t they realise it’s just you here on your own, with your own thoughts. You think it’s safe to let them in. Just for a short while. Toy with their feelings. Listen to what they have to say. You forget the poison they speak. They just bring the doubts, the questioning, the deprecating. Determined, you saying they’d just stay for a moment. But they’re still … Continue reading “Garnet beads glisten in the light”
Dad would have liked it here
I’m sitting somewhere high in the hills of the Austrian/German border. There is not a cloud in the sky. The only sounds I can hear are the crickets chirping in the grasses and forest leaves that rustle from the trees that surround me. A waggtail and its mate hop from branch to branch, their tails bobbing with each pause they make. And butterflies dance in the air. I feel a peace here that I havent felt in a long time. And in that peace, I feel a comfort. Like my dad is near. I have always wanted to believe, each … Continue reading “Dad would have liked it here”
Bronze Shoes
Have you heard about the shoes on the Danube? No its not the start of a joke, in fact its so far away from being funny. Today we visited The House of Terror in Budapest. It tells of the events during the war and later of what life was like whilst Hungary was under communist rule. It takes you through the timeline of systemic abuse. How children reported their parents. How brother tortured brother only to end up being tortured themselves for the same crimes of being of Jewish descent. And of the murder of thousands upon thousands of people … Continue reading “Bronze Shoes”
Auschwitz
Just pulling up to the car park I feel a nervous apprehension. A lump in my throat. The humour that has accompanied our roadtrip to date no longer appropriate. Entering the camp there is a silence across the place that even the birds respect. Visitors speak in hushed voices as though they try not to disturb any spirits that many linger. Any raised voice or nervous giggle are met with tuts and frowns. But otherwise you wouldnt know the secrets that this place holds. The yard looks like an old run down holiday camp. Large brick buildings set in rows. … Continue reading “Auschwitz”
My big cousin, she was always so cool.
Did I ever tell you how cool I thought you were? My big cousin. When we used to come and visit you, you would let me sit in your room. It smelled or hairspray and sweet perfume. Your DM boots lined up by your bedroom door. You always said you’d get married in Doc Martens and I knew you would because you were just so cool. Your walls were filled with posters of popstars like Morten Harkey and Bon Jovi. All songs I knew, but had never seen their androgonous faces before.Knowing you loved them, they became part of my … Continue reading “My big cousin, she was always so cool.”
Like Alice down the rabbit hole
I regularly wonder,have i gone mad? I guess so, but let me tell you something, the best people usually are! I often feel like alice? Falling down the rabbit hole, the world spinning past me. Try to make some sense of it all but the sense falls just beyond my reach. That’s where I am tonight. I think I fell down my rabbit hole along time ago and I saw my magic door. The journey of trying to run a business took me through ups and downs. I certainly cried my river a long time ago. That 10 years was … Continue reading “Like Alice down the rabbit hole”
Don’t cloud my sunshine
If you asked me to describe my daughter I’d tell you she is a confident blond bubble of energy, and sunshine. She is an amazing actress, her creativity at art is outstanding and she has the voice of an angle…. actually no, it’s not an angle, is the deep chilling voice of a 40 a day habit club singer, but at 13 trust me when I say it’s breathtaking. I often giggle and call her Bubble head as she has moments of the world completely passing her by without a flinch but all in all she is one of life’s … Continue reading “Don’t cloud my sunshine”
And breath
If I’m honest today hasn’t been a very good day. The only thing in the diary was going to my second appointment at the pain clinic first thing. I’ve had a lot riding on this appointment! I was originally referred to the clinic back in February last year by my rheumatologist. Due to one cock up after another I didn’t actually get an appointment to see them until October. They were going to be the answer to my managing my pain. During that first appointment a decision was made by the team that due to the stresses and pressures of … Continue reading “And breath”