Part of the healing process of mental health is baring your heart and soul. I feel like that’s all I’ve been doing for the last 3 weeks and I haven’t even met with the therapist that will be chosen to work with me to try and fix myself. There is a numbness that occurs when you keep retelling your story. It gets easier each time as you brush over it light hearted and almost as bravado. Convincing those listening that you know your past and have dealt with it. But that’s obviously not the case. That’s why I’m signed up … Continue reading “Baring your soul is painful”
Category: Grief
life leaves scars on heart, I do that shit to myself
This week’s scars won’t be my first. I’m not talking about the scars life leaves on your heart. I’m talking about scars I’ve made on myself. I’ve lived with most of my scars for over 25 years. The first time I cut they were just little scratches really. If I hold my arm in the right light you can just make out the little white lines. The first time I cut myself deeply, if you asked 15 year old me what the trigger was, I’d tell you it’s because I’d broken my best friends favourite mug. But the truth was … Continue reading “life leaves scars on heart, I do that shit to myself”
It’s not all about me
Noone really talks about how your mental health affects those around you. All the conversation are about me and getting me the help I need. And I’m not discussing my children here. At the moment I cannot even contemplate the effect my actions have had on them. Its my husband I worry about. Men are taught from such a young age to bury their emotions. Don’t let them show. So he’s doing what he knows best and is just soldiering on. Noone is phoning in to check on him. Noone is offering him support through this difficult time. Noone is … Continue reading “It’s not all about me”
Words and situations
I currently feel overwhelmed by situations. I have high levels of anxiety over the future. I feel like a lot of changes in my life are outside of my control. In my day-to-day life, I don’t exhibit symptoms of anxiety. However, in my current mindset, I have a lot of worry and anxiety about loss, and past experiences. My expectation are to experience disappointment with the care I am receiving for my mental health. Once the crisis team has stabilised me I expect to get lost in a waiting list of people My emotions relating to the kids going to … Continue reading “Words and situations”
The room with a guard on the door
There’s just 3 of us in the room. Plus a guard on the door and a watcher in the corner. I try to convince myself that’s for them and not me. Both other occupants are teenagers. One on a comedown and one struggling with their mental health. I tell myself I dont belong in a room with them. But I recognise the one as who I was at that age. I just didn’t end up here back then. Maybe I should have. Maybe I’d have got the help I needed it would have stopped me from doing what I did … Continue reading “The room with a guard on the door”
Will actions speak louder than words?
If I’m honest Im feeling very let down. I was promised a referral to the mental health team would start to heal me. It was rushed through with a 2 week wait. In that 2 week wait I was taken to A&E as those who love me and care for me felt I was a danger to myself. Don’t worry said the hospital. The adult services will help you out. They’ll review your meds and get you strong again. They gave me some papers and a list of breathing exercises to help me through when the urge to cut got … Continue reading “Will actions speak louder than words?”
Sometimes its more than just a word. So choose them wisely
As part of my referral to the medical team who are going to help me. I was sent a form. It asks for details on my history, family dynamics, events that have happened, any history of mental health issues. It laid it out in a specific format, but when I started writing the words just flowed out and didn’t stick to their rules. But that’s me right there. I don’t really like the rules. I’ve always made my own. But I had covered all their points. I wrote down how difficult getting out the house for school each morning was … Continue reading “Sometimes its more than just a word. So choose them wisely”
Sofa shopping
So we shopped for a new sofa in the sales. It was just a replacement for the one we’ve got. Theres nothing wrong with the leather of the one there. But it’s sagging in the middle, it’s a bit more lumpy and not like it used to be. It feels familiar. It was just the 2 of us and I figured it would be an easy day. Oh how wrong could I be. Who knew sofa shopping would be such an emotional rollercoaster? We sat on no less than 50 sofas. Over a period of 5 hours no. But that … Continue reading “Sofa shopping”
I thought Christmases would get easier.
This Christmas has been one of the hardest yet. I thought that they would get easier as time went on, but that’s not the case. I tried so hard to get into the Christmas spirit. I know those around me love the season and I know my mood brings them all down. I would do anything to be different but I’m not. This year I bought my first gift in November. Got all fired up to make changes. To be more festive. My husband nagged me to get the wrapping down early so it didn’t end up a last-minute task … Continue reading “I thought Christmases would get easier.”
All out of Christmas cheer
I’m feel I’m out my depth again. Treading water knowing the big waves are heading my way. I get like this each year. Watching everyone else preparing and celebrating the season. But no matter how hard I try to get caught up in their revelries, it’s just out of reach, like it’s brushing past my fingertips but I just can’t grab hold. I’ve started writing lists again. Of all the things I need to cross off before the big day comes. Order prescriptions, write cards, buy gifts and get them wrapped. I realise how far behind I am on being … Continue reading “All out of Christmas cheer”