I’m in an unsafe place today. I don’t feel I will do anything, but I don’t feel I should be alone. My heart is heavy and I feel like all that will help is to cry, the kind of crying where the sobs are guttural and uncontrollable. My babies are due home in a couple of hours. I wanted to be more like my old self again before they came home, but that expectation is out of reach. All I can give them is the broken person I have become. No further into my recovery from when they left on … Continue reading “I’m in an unsafe place today”
Category: Grief
Ripples in the sea
Why is my head so broken? I keep asking myself over and over again. I keep convincing myself that a new journal, some stickers or painting kit is the solution. But no matter how hard I tried I kept returning to this state where my head was loud and confused. My head wanted me to go against its natural instinct to survive. Today I was blessed with a visit from 2 of my friends that helped put my notebook to good use. Between them they traveled a total of 6.5 hrs round trip to check in with me. We met … Continue reading “Ripples in the sea”
Dear Dad
Dear dad. I never got to say my final goodbyes to you. I made the choice not to travel to France, I knew you’d understand my reasons, it’s not that that I’m angry about. Id thought I’d still be granted a few moments to say good bye. I didn’t get those words. But I want to speak my words to you now. Tell you what I wanted to say to you those 10 long years ago. I would tell you that I was sorry. Sorry for the way you were treated. Test after test, operation after operation even though the … Continue reading “Dear Dad”
That first step
I’ve woken up with anxiety today. Like something bad is going to happen. I’m not sure if it’s because I have both an online workshop and a face to face one today or if it’s because I’m trying to go back to work tomorrow. Either way I’ve woken up feeling like I’m on the brink of tears. It all feels very hard. And part of my current struggles is feeling I should take action each time I get this gut feeling of impending doom. I usually love this time of year. The sun is bright this morning and all of … Continue reading “That first step”
Taking out the trash
The last 2 days I’ve taken 2 car fulls of bags of rubbish to the tip. It’s quite cathartic. 1 run was to dispose of the old sofa I’d thoroughly enjoyed smashing to pieces and the second run today was just for junk that had been accumulating around the house. Just stuff we no longer needed that was taking up space. I wish mental health was that easy. All the stuff that was originally boxed up in there, before the goo started leaking out of its boxes and infecting everything else. I wish I could just empty the boxes of … Continue reading “Taking out the trash”
When I grow up I want to be a mummy
Growing up whenever anyone asked me what I wanted to be I’d tell them proudly I wanted to be a mum. It was the only thing that mattered to me. My dolls in their pushchairs were never far away. I was going to have one called Megan and one called Elenore and we would spend our days doing craft projects, exploring nature and giggling all the time. But it didn’t really work out like that. First off my baby girl didn’t look like a Megan. And from 6 weeks old I was left bringing her up on my own as … Continue reading “When I grow up I want to be a mummy”
Its Dark in here, inside my head
It’s been a month since I reached out to my GP. Since I said the words “I need help”. Saying those words are one of the hardest words to say. I think they’re even harder than saying I’m sorry because anyone can say that, but if their actions don’t back them up, they’re just hollow and pointless. And since I asked for help, if anything I have got worse. I’ve been to the hospital twice. Once because it was thought I could be a risk to myself. And once because I took action to end my life. I’ve had the … Continue reading “Its Dark in here, inside my head”
Cake and psychology
My friend came to see me today. It’s been a while since we’ve chatted so there was lots to talk about. As always when we get together there is lots of tea and definitely cake. Cake is always a necessity. She told me about her kids. How they’re growing up. How her eldest is off to uni too. And her daughter has had struggles with friends on social media. Both things I can relate to. I told her about my troubles. My catastrophising. The urges to hurt myself as I don’t know how to deal with the pain I feel … Continue reading “Cake and psychology”
I just don’t want to be here
If I’m honest I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t know where I do want to be though. Last night I just wanted to run. Run into the darkness and hide somewhere noone would find me. Today I just don’t want to be in this house. I feel everything I say is wrong or contradicted. My head is loud, but I don’t want to do what it’s saying. That’s not my intention today, not the outcome I’m hoping for. Thats not the type of not being here I crave. I want to be out in the wild. Somewhere … Continue reading “I just don’t want to be here”
Low self-esteem? Me?
Low self-esteem? Me? It’s not a quality most people would relate to me. But that’s just because I’ve perfected my armor, created the ultimate camouflage. I wear amazing and crazy shoes, I make outrageously loud clothes that get me compliments where ever I go and I paint on that smile. And I put myself at the centre of attention whenever the opportunity arises. In groups I’m always a chatterbox making jokes, mainly about myself. I get the digs in before anyone else gets the chance. And for years it has worked for years. They see this loud gobby individual and … Continue reading “Low self-esteem? Me?”