Hollow. That’s the only real way I can describe myself at the moment. I just feel empty. A husk. The world continues around me, but I’m not a participant. I keep things of things I could do to try to raise my spirits, but the truth is they’ll just get added to a long list of things I will continue to procrastinate. I’m still waiting to hear if I am going to be able to keep my job. Whether they can be adaptable enough to let me work from home 3 days a week to build myself back up. If … Continue reading “Hollow”
Category: Grief
The Phoenix
Work has been playing on my mind. They’ve requested a copy of my medical records. The occupational therapist has suggested I start back with a month of 3 days work from home. I’ve sent them everything from the mental health teams I’ve been working with, but they’re still holding out. Or maybe just waiting for my sicknote to end. Either way I am anxious. And the anxiety is making me think they don’t want me back. In the past I have been on my knees so many times wondering how I will get through. Not just with work, but with … Continue reading “The Phoenix”
20 mins of gardening equals 3 days of punishment and pain
I’m in an unsafe place today. I don’t feel I will do anything, but I don’t feel I should be alone. My heart is heavy and I feel like all that will help is to cry, the kind of crying where the sobs are guttural and uncontrollable. My babies are due home in a couple of hours. I wanted to be more like my old self again before they came home, but that expectation is out of reach. All I can give them is the broken person I have become. No further into my recovery from when they left on … Continue reading “20 mins of gardening equals 3 days of punishment and pain”
The Suicide Squad
Imagine being in a situation where your baby, your most adored little being in the world struggles so hard with their life that they think about ending it. As a teen it was something I personally experienced myself. A belief that I wasn’t enough and the world would be better without me. The last thing I’d ever want in my life is for one of my babies to be in that position. But 2016 here we were. And being on that journey, to get your child the help and support they need is one of the lonely experiences I have … Continue reading “The Suicide Squad”
I’m struggling again
I’m struggling again. Last night I nearly had to wake my husband up to keep me safe as the urge to self-harm was overwhelming. Thankfully my nightly meds kicked in and sent me to the darkness of sleep that I craved. I’m pretty sure I know the triggers this time. A combination of the Acute Therapy Centre signing me off with my last session today. I still have not been allocated a new lead therapist at the community team, so no real plan of action to give me the tools to master the causes of my emotional triggers, no tools … Continue reading “I’m struggling again”
2 Months off
The Dr has signed me off for 2 months. I’m fighting it as the reality is I’ll not have a job to go back to. But let’s say I have my 2 months. The reality is I’ll continue to sit on the sofa doing the odd bit of art, maybe a bit of blogging and remain on a waiting list for help I need to move forward. Scrolling through Netflix whilst being unable to decide what to watch. And napping the majority of my time. What I’d like to do with that 2 months. Blitz the house from top to … Continue reading “2 Months off”
Who did I used to be?
I’m struggling again. Last night I nearly had to wake my husband up to keep me safe as the urge to self harm was overwhelming. Thankfully my nightly meds kicked in and sent me to the darkness of sleep that I craved. I’m pretty sure I know the triggers this time. A combination of the Acute Therapy Centre signing me off with my last session today. I still have not been allocated a new lead therapist at the community team, so no real plan of action to give me the tools to master the causes of my emotional triggers, no … Continue reading “Who did I used to be?”
Not fit for work
I’ve been signed off. Work had called a meeting to discuss the amount of time I’ve had off. I had a note of amended duties and hours in place. They planned the meeting the week that note finished. I know I’m still not in the best place as I still keep having toxic thoughts and there is still no plan in place for any kind of counselling or therapy to give me the tools to move forward. So I contacted my GP for an extension on my note. A note work had said I wouldn’t need. When the GP sent … Continue reading “Not fit for work”
I want to go home
I want to go home. The reality is I’m sitting on our sofa in front of our TV, but I don’t feel home. Maybe an hour in bed would make me feel better, but right now nowhere feels quite like I’m home or a place where I can be myself. I paint on the face with the kids to they think I’m getting my shit together. They don’t deserve to keep seeing the wreck that I am. And I’ve tried talking to my husband, but because my thoughts are so contradictory to one another he does seem to be able … Continue reading “I want to go home”
Rose tinted specs
I got my paper work through today. The letter to say they’ve signed me off the crisis team and am now under the acute day services. And will be passed over to the adult mental health services after that. They’d promised they wouldn’t do that until my meds were finalised and another meeting held, but that didn’t happen. They make me sound like I’ve thoroughly enjoyed and embraced my time with them and I’m coming on board in leaps and bounds. They’ve failed to mention since signing on with them I slit my wrists. And they failed to mention how … Continue reading “Rose tinted specs”