I remember watching Ruby Wax on TV with Mum and Dad. I can’t remember the program she was on, but I do remember the shoulder shakes from them when one of her comments tickled them. Dad was never really a feminist so laughing out loud wasn’t done, but somehow he bought up me as one. An independent arsehole that refused to take help from anyone. No matter what sex I was, I could bloody do it if I put my mind to it. And it’s still a philosophy that I stand by, even when my body tries to fail me. … Continue reading “Ruby Wax- I snotted on her Cashmere!”
Category: Grief
Mental health support is just a lie
Today I feel anger. Today I feel violence. And heaven help those who cross me. When you look on the internet, in the papers and on the news you’d be forgiven for thinking that mental health is a big thing that we are all encouraged to talk about, to be supportive of those who struggle and that help is out there. But I’m here to tell you it’s bullshit. People don’t like to associate with those who have mental health struggles. It’s a dirty little secret that should not be seen or heard. Hide it away. Bury it deep inside, … Continue reading “Mental health support is just a lie”
A Dream of Clarity
Last nights dream has left my mood low, but equally has given me some clarity. The first part of the dream I had visited a seaside town I haven’t been to since I was much younger. All the routes I previously knew had changed due to building works and development. I found myself at a psychic and craft fair. I wondered round aimlessly finding very little of interest so returned to my car getting lost numerous times on route. When I arrived at the car my daughter was there. She wanted to see the fair herself. I walked half way … Continue reading “A Dream of Clarity”
La Reinerie
It’s strange to be back. A place I haven’t ventured back to for 15 years and knowing 10 have been without you on the earth. The last place you stayed before you were taken to hospital. My brother has worked wonders, a one-man band changing and renovating sometimes by choice and sometimes to preserve the stability of the bones. He has done such a wonderful job to keep the house in good health whilst putting his personal stamp on the place. La Reinerie. The 300 year old cow shed that we were blessed to have as our childhood holiday home. … Continue reading “La Reinerie”
Do you know who I am?
Do you recognise me? Do you know who I am? This feeling of amnesia. I remember the old me. The business woman. The unstoppable force that could turn her hand to anything. Rotting lean-to? I rebuilt that in a week. Leaking toilet? I refitted the whole washroom over a weekend. A wasteland turned into a beautiful garden. That was me too. And then my body broke. It took a long time to adjust. The pattern of overdoing it, then suffering in pain and frustration. Oh that pain. It made me want to scream each time it hit. But my mind … Continue reading “Do you know who I am?”
The Pattern
If your close to me, I wonder if you’ve seen it too? The pattern. The self sabotage? It’s something I’ve grown to recognise in my life. Just when things are going good, I do something to mess it all up. Bring my world crashing down. This time it’s my job. Since closing my business I have struggled to feel comfortable and welcomed in the workplace. I have held down a couple of jobs, but I’ve never really been a proper fit. But at last, in August last year, I thought I’d found my place. The team was funny and made … Continue reading “The Pattern”
I used to be
I’ve met quite a lot of new people in the past 10 months. And I find myself uttering the same phrase over and over again. I used to be; First I met new work colleagues, then counsellors and therapist. Now strangers in different support groups. And they always ask what bought you here. When I was younger, my ‘used to be ‘ was for shock effect. I used to be a gravedigger. And it’s true. When I first left school from June to September every day I went to work with my dad to help. I was 15 years old, … Continue reading “I used to be”
I ran away
I ran away. Just for a week, and I found peace. My brain stopped torturing me with thoughts of self-loathing and harm. I found peace. I found beauty in my surroundings and I lived for the quiet. My days were filled with rest, painting and meeting new people who had new conversations and passions. And then I came home. I cried myself to sleep last night. I had made so many plans in my head of how I would celebrate my son’s 18th, my children’s end of college before they escape to uni, and how I would send them off … Continue reading “I ran away”
I’m sitting on the sofa crying again
I’m sitting on the sofa crying. No one really seems to be noticing. I’ve already cried in the shower today and cried again when I went up to the loo. I just sat there sobbing. I’m not really sure what I’m crying for. This morning I got up with every intention to tackle the front yard. No mow May is well and truly over and quite frankly it’s become completely out of control. I got up, dressed according and headed down on a mission. Just walking down the stairs was hard enough. I was completely out of puff. I took … Continue reading “I’m sitting on the sofa crying again”
Feeling violated
I’m feeling stressed and very unsafe. I’m due to have a meeting at work soon. Trying to convince them to keep my job open. The GP has currently signed me off for 2 months. But I really want to be back sooner. My GP has agreed to amend the sicknote if I can work from home for 3 days a week. A slow reintroduction to work. But work aren’t interested in allowing me to have that flexibility. Work have requested copies of my medical notes. They’ve taken 4 weeks to be sent through to me, ahead of being sent to … Continue reading “Feeling violated”