The past can be an odd thing. Each person has their own recollection of events. And over time we can rewrite these events so many times to fit our own agenda that it is easy to forget the facts. I’m a writer, I always have been. Since I was a teen I kept journals of thoughts and feelings. But equally in these journals I have only ever been able to write my truth. The truth of how events affected me. Of the emotions I was left with. And I recognise that my emotional response would not be the same as … Continue reading “its ok kids. I’ll pay for your counselling”
Category: Family
Words and situations
I currently feel overwhelmed by situations. I have high levels of anxiety over the future. I feel like a lot of changes in my life are outside of my control. In my day-to-day life, I don’t exhibit symptoms of anxiety. However, in my current mindset, I have a lot of worry and anxiety about loss, and past experiences. My expectation are to experience disappointment with the care I am receiving for my mental health. Once the crisis team has stabilised me I expect to get lost in a waiting list of people My emotions relating to the kids going to … Continue reading “Words and situations”
Sometimes its more than just a word. So choose them wisely
As part of my referral to the medical team who are going to help me. I was sent a form. It asks for details on my history, family dynamics, events that have happened, any history of mental health issues. It laid it out in a specific format, but when I started writing the words just flowed out and didn’t stick to their rules. But that’s me right there. I don’t really like the rules. I’ve always made my own. But I had covered all their points. I wrote down how difficult getting out the house for school each morning was … Continue reading “Sometimes its more than just a word. So choose them wisely”
ADHD?
So there was me just thinking I was really unhinged. It started with the kids getting their places in uni. My weekends are being filled with choosing accommodation and applications for grants. Whilst I have every confidence my kids can feed themselves, wash their pants and be polite in others’ company, did I teach them enough about budgeting? I’m a bookkeeper for goodness sake. It’s in my nature to budget, but did they pick up these skills? And what about street sense? Will they find their way home? Know how to adapt if their transport gets cancelled and what about … Continue reading “ADHD?”
a little bit of tea and sympathy
Why’s it all so superficial? Do you know what I miss? Deep conversation. Pick a topic, I don’t mind what, but let’s deep dive it. I had a friend at work who was always happy to unpack conversations. We talked religion, we talked family histories, we talked the meaning of existence and it was great. But then it stopped. Which is fine. But noone else wants to step up and fill the void. Everyone else just wants to talk fluff. What the last customer said, what’s next week’s weather looking like and what’s on the menu. At a push we’ll … Continue reading “a little bit of tea and sympathy”
Sofa shopping
So we shopped for a new sofa in the sales. It was just a replacement for the one we’ve got. Theres nothing wrong with the leather of the one there. But it’s sagging in the middle, it’s a bit more lumpy and not like it used to be. It feels familiar. It was just the 2 of us and I figured it would be an easy day. Oh how wrong could I be. Who knew sofa shopping would be such an emotional rollercoaster? We sat on no less than 50 sofas. Over a period of 5 hours no. But that … Continue reading “Sofa shopping”
I thought Christmases would get easier.
This Christmas has been one of the hardest yet. I thought that they would get easier as time went on, but that’s not the case. I tried so hard to get into the Christmas spirit. I know those around me love the season and I know my mood brings them all down. I would do anything to be different but I’m not. This year I bought my first gift in November. Got all fired up to make changes. To be more festive. My husband nagged me to get the wrapping down early so it didn’t end up a last-minute task … Continue reading “I thought Christmases would get easier.”
All out of Christmas cheer
I’m feel I’m out my depth again. Treading water knowing the big waves are heading my way. I get like this each year. Watching everyone else preparing and celebrating the season. But no matter how hard I try to get caught up in their revelries, it’s just out of reach, like it’s brushing past my fingertips but I just can’t grab hold. I’ve started writing lists again. Of all the things I need to cross off before the big day comes. Order prescriptions, write cards, buy gifts and get them wrapped. I realise how far behind I am on being … Continue reading “All out of Christmas cheer”
A lot can change in 10 years
I’ve had a new house, new husband and new career. You have a granddaughter that you never even knew about. 10 years has literally been a lifetime but not a day goes past where I don’t miss you and am not grateful for all that I am thanks to you. There are so many times I have gone to pick up the phone. To call you. To tell you. Jonny? He’s so clever, he’s cheeky, he’s funny and his heart is so big. He’s going place. The spark in him will light fires. And Katie’s so beautiful. A voice like … Continue reading “A lot can change in 10 years”
When that gut feeling takes over
Knives like silver and diamond fall from the dark onto the windscreen as the blades swish furiously in the dark. It’s nothing like that day, but the knot in my stomach is there. Filled with dread. My brain is telling me that something bad is coming. That I need to get home and check on my husband and kids. Until I see them with my own eyes, my mind will keep playing tricks, convincing me there is something terribly wrong. That day was a cold day. We’d had snow. I knew something was wrong early on. I kept ringing. Waiting … Continue reading “When that gut feeling takes over”