The last 2 days I’ve taken 2 car fulls of bags of rubbish to the tip. It’s quite cathartic. 1 run was to dispose of the old sofa I’d thoroughly enjoyed smashing to pieces and the second run today was just for junk that had been accumulating around the house. Just stuff we no longer needed that was taking up space. I wish mental health was that easy. All the stuff that was originally boxed up in there, before the goo started leaking out of its boxes and infecting everything else. I wish I could just empty the boxes of … Continue reading “Taking out the trash”
Category: Family
When I grow up I want to be a mummy
Growing up whenever anyone asked me what I wanted to be I’d tell them proudly I wanted to be a mum. It was the only thing that mattered to me. My dolls in their pushchairs were never far away. I was going to have one called Megan and one called Elenore and we would spend our days doing craft projects, exploring nature and giggling all the time. But it didn’t really work out like that. First off my baby girl didn’t look like a Megan. And from 6 weeks old I was left bringing her up on my own as … Continue reading “When I grow up I want to be a mummy”
Its Dark in here, inside my head
It’s been a month since I reached out to my GP. Since I said the words “I need help”. Saying those words are one of the hardest words to say. I think they’re even harder than saying I’m sorry because anyone can say that, but if their actions don’t back them up, they’re just hollow and pointless. And since I asked for help, if anything I have got worse. I’ve been to the hospital twice. Once because it was thought I could be a risk to myself. And once because I took action to end my life. I’ve had the … Continue reading “Its Dark in here, inside my head”
Cake and psychology
My friend came to see me today. It’s been a while since we’ve chatted so there was lots to talk about. As always when we get together there is lots of tea and definitely cake. Cake is always a necessity. She told me about her kids. How they’re growing up. How her eldest is off to uni too. And her daughter has had struggles with friends on social media. Both things I can relate to. I told her about my troubles. My catastrophising. The urges to hurt myself as I don’t know how to deal with the pain I feel … Continue reading “Cake and psychology”
I just don’t want to be here
If I’m honest I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t know where I do want to be though. Last night I just wanted to run. Run into the darkness and hide somewhere noone would find me. Today I just don’t want to be in this house. I feel everything I say is wrong or contradicted. My head is loud, but I don’t want to do what it’s saying. That’s not my intention today, not the outcome I’m hoping for. Thats not the type of not being here I crave. I want to be out in the wild. Somewhere … Continue reading “I just don’t want to be here”
Left overs
When I was a child my parents used to hold regular dinner parties for their friends. It’s something that doesn’t seem to happen so much any more. And I think it’s sad. We should bring the tradition back. My mum would spend the first day cleaning the house from top to bottom. Even the beeswax furniture polish would come out filling the house with a smell that always meant something exciting was about to happen. My mum would spend the next day cooking up a storm in the kitchen. My sister and I would love it as we’d get an … Continue reading “Left overs”
Plum pudding and rose petals
When I was a child I spent much of the summer holidays with one set of grandparents or the other. Both sets of grandparents were polls apart, but both promised days filled with fun. When it was our turn to visit my Nan and Pops our days would follow a similar pattern. But all in all we were pretty much left to make our own adventures for the day and that was fine by us. I think we’d probably read books and keep distracted for an hour whilst Nan got on with her jobs and get herself ready to walk … Continue reading “Plum pudding and rose petals”
Please don’t ask ‘How are you?’
How are you doing? It’s an innocent question, I’m asked almost daily, and one I’ve been answering for most of my life. “Ye I’m fine thanks,” or “I’m good” It rolls of the tongue in an automated fashion. But right here, in this moment, I’m anything but fine. Yet the preprogrammed response is out before I even think of what I’m really saying. At this time I should be answering no. No I’m not fine. I’m not safe. I’m toxic, and I risk infecting all those around me. Can you imagine the responses of people if I really said that … Continue reading “Please don’t ask ‘How are you?’”
life leaves scars on heart, I do that shit to myself
This week’s scars won’t be my first. I’m not talking about the scars life leaves on your heart. I’m talking about scars I’ve made on myself. I’ve lived with most of my scars for over 25 years. The first time I cut they were just little scratches really. If I hold my arm in the right light you can just make out the little white lines. The first time I cut myself deeply, if you asked 15 year old me what the trigger was, I’d tell you it’s because I’d broken my best friends favourite mug. But the truth was … Continue reading “life leaves scars on heart, I do that shit to myself”
It’s not all about me
Noone really talks about how your mental health affects those around you. All the conversation are about me and getting me the help I need. And I’m not discussing my children here. At the moment I cannot even contemplate the effect my actions have had on them. Its my husband I worry about. Men are taught from such a young age to bury their emotions. Don’t let them show. So he’s doing what he knows best and is just soldiering on. Noone is phoning in to check on him. Noone is offering him support through this difficult time. Noone is … Continue reading “It’s not all about me”