I got my paper work through today. The letter to say they’ve signed me off the crisis team and am now under the acute day services. And will be passed over to the adult mental health services after that. They’d promised they wouldn’t do that until my meds were finalised and another meeting held, but that didn’t happen. They make me sound like I’ve thoroughly enjoyed and embraced my time with them and I’m coming on board in leaps and bounds. They’ve failed to mention since signing on with them I slit my wrists. And they failed to mention how … Continue reading “Rose tinted specs”
Category: Family
Anniversary failure
Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. We didn’t plan anything special, just a walk with the pups and a tasty dinner. All very low key. The two of us snuggled down watching movies in the afternoon. But today I feel guilty. Guilty that I didn’t put more effort into our day. Even his card didn’t arrive on time so I had to paint a rush job because I feel he has to know I care and I’m grateful for his love. Cards are important to him. To be honest I’m barely functioning on a normal day let alone a special day … Continue reading “Anniversary failure”
I’m due back at work tomorrow
I’m due back at work tomorrow. After complaining to the adult services team that I don’t really get standard anxiety their course described, my anxiety is through the roof today. I was in 2.5 days last week so it’s not like I haven’t been back at work since I was so poorly. But I’m just nervous that I won’t be able to hack it. My mood today is very fragile. I know that I could easily get triggered and self-harm again. I’m also annoyed with myself for wasting the Easter holidays by achieving absolutely nothing. It’s hard to make myself … Continue reading “I’m due back at work tomorrow”
Baby steps
Today was a better day. I still don’t get good days, but it’s been better than I have been in a while. I found time for crafting and working on my current project. Something yesterday I thought I was going to put straight in the bin. I didn’t work on it for long. But I can see the progress. I also wrote myself a list of things to tick off as and when I do them. I didn’t achieve anything on the list, but I feel better that there is a plan. That means I’m imagining days in the future … Continue reading “Baby steps”
Dont do anything stupid, I need you in my life
Don’t do anything stupid, I need you in my life. Reading those words that were text to me today by my husband it should have melted my heart and made me feel brave enough to fight on. All they did was make me feel guilty as it was something I couldn’t promise not to do. I had to pick up a prescription on my way home. I purposely didn’t take my purse in as I knew I’d buy 2 boxes of paracetamol and ibuprofen, then buy a litre of vodka and down the lot. That’s where my head is at. … Continue reading “Dont do anything stupid, I need you in my life”
Ripples in the sea
Why is my head so broken? I keep asking myself over and over again. I keep convincing myself that a new journal, some stickers or painting kit is the solution. But no matter how hard I tried I kept returning to this state where my head was loud and confused. My head wanted me to go against its natural instinct to survive. Today I was blessed with a visit from 2 of my friends that helped put my notebook to good use. Between them they traveled a total of 6.5 hrs round trip to check in with me. We met … Continue reading “Ripples in the sea”
I told myself I was a fraud, but maybe not
I’ve been back at work a couple of days this week. A little bit of normality. Whilst going in causes me to have massive anxiety attacks on both days. And I feel I have to keep my arm covered as it’s a dirty little secret that might offend people. But overall it’s good to be back with the team, the banter. And when it comes to the jokes it’s definitely like I’ve never been gone. I’ve missed the team. I’ve missed company. One of the conversations that came up, as always was, was that one of my workmates’ coat looks … Continue reading “I told myself I was a fraud, but maybe not”
Dear Dad
Dear dad. I never got to say my final goodbyes to you. I made the choice not to travel to France, I knew you’d understand my reasons, it’s not that that I’m angry about. Id thought I’d still be granted a few moments to say good bye. I didn’t get those words. But I want to speak my words to you now. Tell you what I wanted to say to you those 10 long years ago. I would tell you that I was sorry. Sorry for the way you were treated. Test after test, operation after operation even though the … Continue reading “Dear Dad”
Just a little touch of anxiety
I’m starting to think even the professionals don’t know what to do with me. As suggested, I’ve just taken an anxiety course. The basis of the course is that our anxieties are irrational. And once we analyze them we can tell ourselves they’re not real and learn to move forward without them controlling us. We were given a few moments to list our fears, then asked to share one and describe how it makes you feel. I said I get anxiety when my kids don’t check in when they get to where they’re going. The effects of this is I … Continue reading “Just a little touch of anxiety”
Crazy girl escapes
The village we live in is quite rural, quiet and quaint. The last Saturday of each month we have a comedy night in the village hall. And don’t get me wrong, for somewhere so obscure we get some good headliners. Tonight was my first proper ‘night’ out since ‘the incident’. My first night out being normal. And the best bit is they’ve changed my meds so it wasn’t going to be instant death if I sniff a glass of vino! So I made the most of it. Fish n chip supper followed by an amble to the hall. Now if … Continue reading “Crazy girl escapes”