I ran away. Just for a week, and I found peace. My brain stopped torturing me with thoughts of self-loathing and harm. I found peace. I found beauty in my surroundings and I lived for the quiet. My days were filled with rest, painting and meeting new people who had new conversations and passions. And then I came home. I cried myself to sleep last night. I had made so many plans in my head of how I would celebrate my son’s 18th, my children’s end of college before they escape to uni, and how I would send them off … Continue reading “I ran away”
Category: Family
18 Already??
My baby turned 18 this week. I can’t believe where the time has gone. Those first moments of his life where the cord was wrapped tightly around his neck, the oxygen units in the room failed, as did the mobile canister. Those minuets felt like hours, before the limb, blue little bundle took his first cry. And in that second he stole my heart. He was born 4 months after his dad had been involved in a near fatal driving accident. My birth plan was more concerned with how he would manager than it was about me or my baby. … Continue reading “18 Already??”
Feeling violated
I’m feeling stressed and very unsafe. I’m due to have a meeting at work soon. Trying to convince them to keep my job open. The GP has currently signed me off for 2 months. But I really want to be back sooner. My GP has agreed to amend the sicknote if I can work from home for 3 days a week. A slow reintroduction to work. But work aren’t interested in allowing me to have that flexibility. Work have requested copies of my medical notes. They’ve taken 4 weeks to be sent through to me, ahead of being sent to … Continue reading “Feeling violated”
40 is the new 30
They say 40 is the new 30. At least that’s what they’re promoting now. It makes you feel young, feel safe and that your whole life is in front of you. And for the whole it is. It sounds great. But what the fuckers don’t tell you about 40 is the changes. It starts with a single hair on the chin that no matter how many times you pluck it the little bastard keeps growing back like a giant wired beacon that waves at one and all in the slightest of airflow, especially when the light is just right. And … Continue reading “40 is the new 30”
An evening conversing with my big brother
My brother has just had a staring contest with his pup. The dog had upset him. He’d been ‘affectionate with the cushion again’. He then yelled “You’re an utter Bastard and I shall flick you with my handkerchief”, which he then proceeded to do. With this the dog first tried ripping said handkerchief, then bounced round the furniture growling with his plastic bone. He’s now complaining about an odour coming from his pups furry butt. He’s taking turns holding said dog like a baby alternating between sniffing his mouth and sniffing his arse. If I’m honest its a little nauseating. … Continue reading “An evening conversing with my big brother”
The field up the track
There was a field up the track. Each time we visited our hideaway house, come evening my friend and I would retreat to our secret field. We would be armed with a boom box, a bottle of cheap fizzy wine and a number of cassette tapes. And we were so clever, my parents would never guess, but our cigarettes were hidden in the tape deck of the boom box, should they ever check. Watching the sunset. Drinking our wine, sharing the smokes whilst dancing and singing at the top of our lungs. Once the sun set we would lie on … Continue reading “The field up the track”
The Suicide Squad
Imagine being in a situation where your baby, your most adored little being in the world struggles so hard with their life that they think about ending it. As a teen it was something I personally experienced myself. A belief that I wasn’t enough and the world would be better without me. The last thing I’d ever want in my life is for one of my babies to be in that position. But 2016 here we were. And being on that journey, to get your child the help and support they need is one of the lonely experiences I have … Continue reading “The Suicide Squad”
Not fit for work
I’ve been signed off. Work had called a meeting to discuss the amount of time I’ve had off. I had a note of amended duties and hours in place. They planned the meeting the week that note finished. I know I’m still not in the best place as I still keep having toxic thoughts and there is still no plan in place for any kind of counselling or therapy to give me the tools to move forward. So I contacted my GP for an extension on my note. A note work had said I wouldn’t need. When the GP sent … Continue reading “Not fit for work”
Fake Happy
As a gift I bought my daughter tickets to see one of her favourite bands performing at the O2. They’ve not played live for a few years so it was a big thing. A big thing that was arranged before my mental health had a downward spiral. I felt I owed it to her to paint on the smile and continue with the plan. And I did literally paint on the smile. Rainbow eyeshadow. Make myself look like I was participating in the excitement of the day. The drive up was dreadful. It was teaming down with rain and my … Continue reading “Fake Happy”
A pig on a pirate ship
I’ve spent the last couple of days numb. And a little bit tearful too. But I haven’t been obsessed with self destruction. I haven’t thought of killing myself again. I think that’s a good thing. Maybe the meds are finally kicking in. Or maybe I’m just becoming used to being the kind of person who cannot be responsible for myself, so rely on others to feed me, medicate me, tell me when to bathe. I’ve also spent most of those days asleep every moment I’m not pretending at adulting. Although this evening I managed to spend an hour or 2 … Continue reading “A pig on a pirate ship”