I’ve lost my joy. My days just feel bleak as I sit on the sofa watching the hours pass by. Each night I end my day with frustration, at all the time I let slip by me. Minutes turned to hours where I’ve scrolled, slept or stared at a screen absorbing nothing. My life is rushing past so fast but I’m no longer participating. I have projects waiting. I have tasks that need doing. But my motivation has vanished. Even things I would usually be passionate about spark nothing, no matter how desperately I wish it would. I just feel … Continue reading “I’ve lost my Joy”
Category: Family
The waiting game
When we originally talked about my taking some leave to get my mental health back in a good place, the plan was to start getting back to work by the end of September. We’re halfway through the month and it’s not going to happen. I still can’t walk. My twisted ankle is still very far from being healed. I’m fact, if anything it feels a little bit worse today than it was earlier in the week. Did I overdo it the other day? Maybe. But it’s so bloody boring just sitting about. Even if I am just shuffling from one … Continue reading “The waiting game”
It’s finally here
This week I’ve been having night terrors. The kind where you’re not sure if you’re asleep or awake. The first one followed a dream. A dream where I had to choose between shopping a good friend in for committing a murder that was completely out of character Vs letting someone I know to be of bad merit take the fall. I spent the whole dream conflicted. Over who deserved to serve. Then when I ‘woke’ I was alone. And I was scared. I knew I had to run, to get out. Something bad was coming. But the pain in my … Continue reading “It’s finally here”
A Dream of Clarity
Last nights dream has left my mood low, but equally has given me some clarity. The first part of the dream I had visited a seaside town I haven’t been to since I was much younger. All the routes I previously knew had changed due to building works and development. I found myself at a psychic and craft fair. I wondered round aimlessly finding very little of interest so returned to my car getting lost numerous times on route. When I arrived at the car my daughter was there. She wanted to see the fair herself. I walked half way … Continue reading “A Dream of Clarity”
Where’s the light?
When my mental health took such a turn in March, I thought that by the end of summer, I’d be getting better. My garden would be beautiful and my completed crafts would be stacking up filling my little heart with joy. And I have had some days where I’ve been brighter. I allowed myself to feel I was turning a corner. That my mental health was on the rise. I went to bed last night wanting to be motivated for today. To start ticking things off the ever-growing to-do list. But thats not how today is going. I’ve woken up … Continue reading “Where’s the light?”
Hows my day going ?
How’s my day? So far I’ve spent 2 hours doom scrolling. I’ve cried at posts, I’ve smiled and I’ve shared pointless memes. And now I’m barating myself for achieving nothing. Last night I missed out my strong pain meds and my sleeping tablets hoping I wouldn’t feel so groggy, so drunk when I woke up. But my head is swimming. My foot pain after my turned ankle did disturb some of my sleep, but otherwise I feel like I clocked up a few good hours, so why do I feel so rough. I’m angry I’m not motivated. I’m angry that … Continue reading “Hows my day going ?”
Road to recovery – part 1
The first memory I have of feeling helplessly low? I was about 6 years old. When I’d started school I was the youngest in the year. Some of my peers had been going to school since the autumn term or the January term, so my rocking up after Easter put me at a disadvantage. I was good with my numbers, and was able to read a little so class wise I was on a level, but emotionally, I was way behind. And this is something that isn’t widely acknowledged. It makes a massive difference when trying to form friendships for … Continue reading “Road to recovery – part 1”
La Reinerie
It’s strange to be back. A place I haven’t ventured back to for 15 years and knowing 10 have been without you on the earth. The last place you stayed before you were taken to hospital. My brother has worked wonders, a one-man band changing and renovating sometimes by choice and sometimes to preserve the stability of the bones. He has done such a wonderful job to keep the house in good health whilst putting his personal stamp on the place. La Reinerie. The 300 year old cow shed that we were blessed to have as our childhood holiday home. … Continue reading “La Reinerie”
My brain is broken
Yesterday I attended an appointment I’ve been waiting for since April. It’s been canceled a couple of time, and in my mind there was a lot riding on it. Maybe I put too much emphasis on this meeting.T he meeting was with a specialist to discuss my medication and potentially give me a diagnosis that would change the way my treatment plan moving forward would look like. Ahead of the meeting I spent time with my mental health nurse to check in how my week had been and to check in with how I was feeling in regards to the … Continue reading “My brain is broken”
I used to be
I’ve met quite a lot of new people in the past 10 months. And I find myself uttering the same phrase over and over again. I used to be; First I met new work colleagues, then counsellors and therapist. Now strangers in different support groups. And they always ask what bought you here. When I was younger, my ‘used to be ‘ was for shock effect. I used to be a gravedigger. And it’s true. When I first left school from June to September every day I went to work with my dad to help. I was 15 years old, … Continue reading “I used to be”