Growing up whenever anyone asked me what I wanted to be I’d tell them proudly I wanted to be a mum. It was the only thing that mattered to me. My dolls in their pushchairs were never far away. I was going to have one called Megan and one called Elenore and we would spend our days doing craft projects, exploring nature and giggling all the time. But it didn’t really work out like that. First off my baby girl didn’t look like a Megan. And from 6 weeks old I was left bringing her up on my own as … Continue reading “When I grow up I want to be a mummy”
Category: Chronic pain
All girls need a hero. And she was mine.
My grandmother was born prematurely. She weighed just 4lbs. Her birth was traumatic, so much so that they were more concerned for her mother’s life that the lifeless child was bundled in the bloody rags, tossed in the corner of the room whilst the midwife fought to save her mums life. It was only after about 30 mins that they heard a soft mewling from the corner and realised that my nan was still alive. For the first few months of her life she was so tiny and fragile that she was carried around the house on a silk pillow, … Continue reading “All girls need a hero. And she was mine.”
The room with a guard on the door
There’s just 3 of us in the room. Plus a guard on the door and a watcher in the corner. I try to convince myself that’s for them and not me. Both other occupants are teenagers. One on a comedown and one struggling with their mental health. I tell myself I dont belong in a room with them. But I recognise the one as who I was at that age. I just didn’t end up here back then. Maybe I should have. Maybe I’d have got the help I needed it would have stopped me from doing what I did … Continue reading “The room with a guard on the door”
Will actions speak louder than words?
If I’m honest Im feeling very let down. I was promised a referral to the mental health team would start to heal me. It was rushed through with a 2 week wait. In that 2 week wait I was taken to A&E as those who love me and care for me felt I was a danger to myself. Don’t worry said the hospital. The adult services will help you out. They’ll review your meds and get you strong again. They gave me some papers and a list of breathing exercises to help me through when the urge to cut got … Continue reading “Will actions speak louder than words?”
Sometimes its more than just a word. So choose them wisely
As part of my referral to the medical team who are going to help me. I was sent a form. It asks for details on my history, family dynamics, events that have happened, any history of mental health issues. It laid it out in a specific format, but when I started writing the words just flowed out and didn’t stick to their rules. But that’s me right there. I don’t really like the rules. I’ve always made my own. But I had covered all their points. I wrote down how difficult getting out the house for school each morning was … Continue reading “Sometimes its more than just a word. So choose them wisely”
We’re in crisis
Apparently we are in crisis. The thoughts in my head like venom have drip drip dripped into my mind and have left me unsafe. We have a visit each day from a carer. They write down my height, weight, hair colour and eye colour. They even want to know about tattoos I have. I wonder if this is incase I run away, or is it just to identify my body. It’s a strange thought to think they’ll need this information. As I’m feeling quite normal in this moment. But the dark thoughts are lurking in the back. The second my … Continue reading “We’re in crisis”
New job, New me
I start a new job next week. If I’m honest I have mixed emotions about it. There is excitement and nervousness all mixed together and there is sadness too. For starters, I’ll be the new girl. And I’ll have a whole heap of things to learn. I know I will spend the coming weeks wiped out with trying to remember it all. But thats ok. Im looking forward to that bit. I like learning new things. And with this job comes big changes. It’ll be the first time in a long time I won’t be paying in my own wages. … Continue reading “New job, New me”
Are we nearly there yet?
Today has been hard We were due to finish our holiday on Saturday. which allowed us 2 days visiting Germany But being this close to the end, we realised we all just want to be home. Ever since that decision was made I have felt like I just want to cry. Not the silent tears that fell when visiting Auschwitz, but the big heartfelt sobs that leave you exhausted and covered in snot. It doesn’t help that I’ve felt poorly. My irritating perky attitude has slipped away and I feel a shell of the girl who started this trip. I … Continue reading “Are we nearly there yet?”
There is a Bug in the Hot Tub
There is a bug in the hot tub. I am watching it as it is churned round and around by the bubbles. Every now and then it disappears from my sight, as it is pulled under by the current. I hold my breath, praying it won’t surface too close to me. I could scoop it out with my hand, it would only take a second, but I refuse to as I’m trying to relax. But I cannot take my eyes from it. Just in case. The tension in my shoulders and jaw remain. This week I have been haunted. A … Continue reading “There is a Bug in the Hot Tub”
Oh Prague! What a city
Due to the issues of mobility within our group and the fact that we had still not recovered from our sleepless journey, we decided we would best experience the city by vehicle. In Old Town Square there were various ticket touts advertising bus tours at various price points, but with the money we had saved on our apartments we opted for the private tour in an open top car. And oh what a luxury. JJ our tour guide was amazing. The most friendly lady with an absolute stack of knowledge in her head. She told us everything we needed to … Continue reading “Oh Prague! What a city”