Yesterday was our wedding anniversary.
We didn’t plan anything special, just a walk with the pups and a tasty dinner.
All very low key.
The two of us snuggled down watching movies in the afternoon.
But today I feel guilty.
Guilty that I didn’t put more effort into our day. Even his card didn’t arrive on time so I had to paint a rush job because I feel he has to know I care and I’m grateful for his love.
Cards are important to him.
To be honest I’m barely functioning on a normal day let alone a special day like yesterday.
And that guilt makes me want to just sit and cry.
Today I want to curl in a little ball on the sofa and switch off.
Imagine I don’t exist.
To wallow in self pity.
And cry until my tears run out.
Today I don’t feel enough to be worthy of having him or my children in my life.
They deserve better than the mess I currently have become.
Tomorrow is back to work and my anxiety is high.
I keep having to leave early because I become overwhelmed.
I feel the team deserve someone more present.
Someone who pulls their weight and doesn’t keep letting them down.
I hope my meds start working as they should so I can become someone who can confront the issues and stresses that control me.
I want to be in control again.
Rather than the husk I currently feel.
I want my strength back. The strength to keep fighting the battle with my own head.
It’s exhausting.
I want to go back to being the girl with 101 craft projects on the go, And thousands of dreams to follow through.
but I’m scared Ive lost her forever