On my wedding day to the kids dad I borrowed a ring that had belonged to my grandmother.
I vividly remembered giving it back to my dad before he left the party. But within a month he asked for it back. And despite my protests he refused to check at home and I was labeled a thief.
In fact it got so bad that we broke contact for over 18 months.
I had moments of doubt that maybe I had remembered wrong and I had lost it, but it would never have been done with purpose, and the label of thief felt very personal. He wasn’t the only one to label me as a thief over this.
When he passed the ring was found in his belongings. My heart was broken that this piece of metal had destroyed so much of our relationship in my adulthood.
My relationship with my father was never an easy one.I
lived on my own with him for a number of years and every day was like walking on eggshells. Even as a little girl the atmosphere in the house would always shift depending on what mood he was in.
During those years when it was just us there were lots of times where we were both in the wrong. We were very similar in our stubbornness.
And we ended up pretty even in owing each other an apology.
Not for our behaviours in an individual argument, because so many of those words were thrown in a heated moment. But we owed each other an apology for the lasting effect it had on our dynamics and our core belief system.
And I know that it has had a lasting impact on the way my head processes things.
When I had my own children I did witness a change in his behaviour and watching him interact and I believe he was making mends from mistakes made in my childhood.
But I will never have that closure.
Now my children are adults I have spoken to both. I’ve asked them to never be afraid to call me out if I have done wrong. I know my actions have affected their mental health and I would take it all back in a heartbeat. But in the moment I didn’t know what impact it would have on them and for that I am truly sorry.
We have had open conversation about their childhoods. And I know more recently there have been conversations where they are hurting and lashing out. In these moments I step back and give them the space to process. But I do go back to talk it through when the dust as settled. And I hold my hand up if my actions have caused them pain.
Everyone views the world from their own perspective.
There is no right or wrong.
There is just the lasting pain we can leave on those we love.
An apology costs nothing but our own pride and ego. But to those we love it can change their world.
I share this post by grown and flown as it reminds me that everyone experiences these moments and how important apologies with no alternate agenda can be.
My Friend and I Made a Pact: Just Tell Our Grown Kids We’re Sorry