Hollow.
That’s the only real way I can describe myself at the moment. I just feel empty. A husk.
The world continues around me, but I’m not a participant.
I keep things of things I could do to try to raise my spirits, but the truth is they’ll just get added to a long list of things I will continue to procrastinate.
I’m still waiting to hear if I am going to be able to keep my job. Whether they can be adaptable enough to let me work from home 3 days a week to build myself back up.
If they say yes, I’ll be resentful towards myself for wasting all this time when I could be getting jobs ticked off the list. Like cleaning the bathroom, uncovering the garden furniture, finish cutting the other half of my lawn.
But if they won’t adapt to work from home I will have even less motivation. My self-esteem that had already beaten me down will be obliterated and it will all feel so pointless.
I know I should put so much of myself riding on a job that would obviously replace me tomorrow. After all, they have an advert on Indeed already. But I’d really felt settled with the team. Felt I was helping the customers and growing fond of some of them too.
And I know I don’t have the strength to start interviewing.
To convince people I’m suitable to learn a new role for a new company when there is so little of myself left in this husk. Maybe the odd scraping or a bit of dust that still glows with who I used to be.
But it’s not enough to bring the light back behind my eyes.