I’m sitting on the sofa crying. No one really seems to be noticing. I’ve already cried in the shower today and cried again when I went up to the loo. I just sat there sobbing.
I’m not really sure what I’m crying for.
This morning I got up with every intention to tackle the front yard.
No mow May is well and truly over and quite frankly it’s become completely out of control.
I got up, dressed according and headed down on a mission.
Just walking down the stairs was hard enough. I was completely out of puff.
I took my meds and had a drink, waiting the half hour I need to before being able to eat.
My tummy was churning. It’s not happy today. In fact my stomach has not been right for a number of weeks. A reaction to the meds I guess.
I had some fruit as I wandered around the house looking for my gloves.
Completely lost. This alone made me feel defeated and angry that it’s holding me back.
An hour later, and the sun hotter and higher. Tantrums exploded, I headed outside.
I managed a ½ meter of weeding and pulled out all of the goosegrasses I could find through the hedgerow.
And I did eventually manage to get the lawn down to a more manageable height. But just this and my body is screaming. I’m scarlet and sweating, itchy and defeated.
And this pain level is how I will stay for then next few days.
I used to manage a couple of hours of weeding and mowing front and back and still have the energy to carry on with another project.
But not anymore. My body hates me after that smallest task.
I had also planned to make a couple of phone calls today.
Just discussing these calls last night had caused friction in the air.
It’s something I should have done months ago, but instead, I followed the advice of those around me. I wasn’t strong enough to question it back then.
But now everyone I talk to has asked me what the advice from them is which makes me think I should have done it.
All I was asked last night was what outcome was I hoping for by making these calls. But I couldn’t answer that question. The words just wouldn’t formulate. It made me feel broken in my head. In truth, I didn’t know what result I want. But I just felt that it was something I should have done.
And because I couldn’t articulate my reasoning for wanting to make these calls. I felt like I was shrinking. Moulding into the surroundings and disappearing.
And now I feel too defeated. And because of this, I feel ashamed.
I used to crack on with getting things done. Taking control of my own life and future. Making the call, managing every situation. But since March I feel I need approval for everything I do.
I used to be so strong. I used to be unstoppable.
If me from 10 years ago could see me now, she would be horrified by how far I have fallen.
And I think I’m crying because I’m so far down the mountain I used to sit on, I have no way of pulling myself back up.