I’m struggling again.
Last night I nearly had to wake my husband up to keep me safe as the urge to self harm was overwhelming.
Thankfully my nightly meds kicked in and sent me to the darkness of sleep that I craved.
I’m pretty sure I know the triggers this time.
A combination of the Acute Therapy Centre signing me off with my last session today. I still have not been allocated a new lead therapist at the community team, so no real plan of action to give me the tools to master the causes of my emotional triggers, no tools to get me better other than mindfulness and counting back from 100 in multiples of 7, and that I’ve been signed off work.
I had tried to request to work from home, but I’d been advised my sickness record means that it’s unlikely to be granted. Staying signed off for the 2 months my GP has issued means I will unlikely have a job to return to.
I spend my current time continuously scrolling through Facebook as I have no motivation to be creative or do something positive with my time other than just sleep.
I know it’s unhealthy so I have actively set restrictions on the app to stop me.
But I don’t know what else to do with my time.
From the moment I wake I just want to cry. Or go back to sleep so I don’t have to deal with my emotions.
Everything feels so far from my reach to heal and get better.
I don’t even feel I can trust myself to go out for a walk alone for fresh air.
I feel so lost and isolated.
And with no plan to help me I feel completely abandoned.
What happened to the enthusiastic girl who was going to take over the world? Was that girl even me?