A pig on a pirate ship

I’ve spent the last couple of days numb. And a little bit tearful too.

But I haven’t been obsessed with self destruction. I haven’t thought of killing myself again.

I think that’s a good thing.

Maybe the meds are finally kicking in.

Or maybe I’m just becoming used to being the kind of person who cannot be responsible for myself, so rely on others to feed me, medicate me, tell me when to bathe.

I’ve also spent most of those days asleep every moment I’m not pretending at adulting.

Although this evening I managed to spend an hour or 2 doing art.

It felt good.

It filled my mind for a moment or 2. Turned the numb to creative.

But coming up with creative ideas is tough when your head is in a dark place.

So I asked my daughter for a suggested topic. A pig on a pirate ship was what she requested.

Do you know how hard it is to paint a pig on a pirate ship???

But she was happy with the result. And it felt good to create something that made her smile.

My behaviours these last few weeks have made it difficult for anyone to smile in this house.

Ive also started working on a book of shadow work. I can see it will be beneficial, but I’ve not got the strength to ask myself some of the hard questions yet. Like what behaviours do I dislike in others? and when did I last behave in that manner?

I know when I’m hurting I can project my pain on others. I think it’s human behaviour, but I’m not proud of myself.

And putting it in writing sits very uncomfortably.

But I guess that’s the whole point of working on yourself in this way.

Eliminate the demons from your past, confronting the emotions those past traumas created.

And retraining yourself that those emotions do not need to infect your future.

I still have major anxiety about life returning to normal. I am already back working, even if I do spend half the time at my desk crying with imposter syndrome. Tasks I used to manage fine feel impossible, my head is now telling me I’m incapable.

My life is in a state of limbo as I wait to see what the NHS can offer me next.

I know I need some in depth therapy because what I’ve been having for the last year hasn’t cured me of the poison I carry around in my soul.

I just hope I get answers soon or can stay in this numb state long enough for the help to get in place.

Or possibly find the answer in the books I’m reading to search for self help.

A slip backwards now would be a tragedy waiting to happen.

My family deserve better.

And I want to get better too