Dont do anything stupid, I need you in my life

Don’t do anything stupid, I need you in my life.

Reading those words that were text to me today by my husband it should have melted my heart and made me feel brave enough to fight on.

All they did was make me feel guilty as it was something I couldn’t promise not to do.

I had to pick up a prescription on my way home. I purposely didn’t take my purse in as I knew I’d buy 2 boxes of paracetamol and ibuprofen, then buy a litre of vodka and down the lot. That’s where my head is at.

I was 100% honest with both my husband and my friend who’s part of my care plan.

They agreed I should phone the crisis team.

The first person on the line told me to go to A&E. Not that they could do anything in the evening as the mental health team work in the day. I didn’t really fancy a night in a hard chair just to be sent home with nothing any different to what it is now.

The second person told me because I was attending the adult services day classes and attending work proved I was managing fine.

Have they never heard of masking.

Of autopilot whilst your head pollutes all positive thoughts with the darkness.

Try a little mindfulness or meditation and it’ll soon perk you up again.

They didn’t listen to what I was actually saying. Just because I found the strength today, doesn’t mean I’ll have that same strength tomorrow. Or the day after that.

I love my husband and I love my children. I just don’t know how to keep myself strong for them. I just feel so hollow and empty that each tomorrow feels more and more impossible.