Hobbycraft addiction

As part of my care plan I have to attend 3 classes each week.

I see them as a kind of evidence that I am trying to get better.

One of the classes is over zoom so that’s a doddle, but the other 2 are face to face.

I have no issue with the class being face to face other than it’s location.

It’s a 3 minute drive from both Costa and a Hobbycraft, and if you haven’t worked out from previous posts my go to therapy is new stationery, bullet journals and fancy pens to write in them with.

After having such a lovely day yesterday with my friends, today’s mood has been extremely low.

So low my husband almost didn’t let me drive myself to the afternoon session.

So I did my relaxation class. I then did a mid course review and told them as honestly as I could that I don’t feel anything is working.

The meds haven’t made a difference, my suicidal ideation is still screaming at me hourly and I’m even getting intrusive thoughts of new ways to damage myself.

I thought things were ment to be showing signs of getting better.

After coming out of the meeting I decided I deserved a little treat for my honesty in the conversation I’d just held so popped to the retail park with intentions of just grabbing a coffee, I must have tripped and fell because somehow I ended up in the Hobbycraft craft section.

I looked up and down every aisle hoping to find which new craft project would be the magic cure to make me well. (Please also consider at this point I have 4 unfinished sewing projects, 3 painting kits plus watercolor painting instruction book and a new set of acrylics and I am part was through building a diorama of an Elizabethan house. But none of these are quite scratching the itch to settle my manic brain)

I stood there for a good 5 mins imagining what I could do with them. Whether just a little nick to appease the self harm gods or would today be the day I went too far.

Most people would find thoughts like that terrifying, but they’ve become my normal.

In the end I settled with some sparkly marker pens and a pack of stickers, then headed to Costa to get my fella and the munchkins a slice of cake each.

Today hasn’t been a very good example of adulting.