I’ve woken up with anxiety today.
Like something bad is going to happen.
I’m not sure if it’s because I have both an online workshop and a face to face one today or if it’s because I’m trying to go back to work tomorrow.
Either way I’ve woken up feeling like I’m on the brink of tears.
It all feels very hard.
And part of my current struggles is feeling I should take action each time I get this gut feeling of impending doom.
I usually love this time of year. The sun is bright this morning and all of the bulbs are opening up giving the garden some colour.
I need colour in my life.
Ever since loosing my flower shop I’ve dressed in brighter clothes, dyed my hair in brighter colours and marvelled at the beauty of nature that little bit more than before.
But this spring I’m finding it difficult.
I just can’t see past the darkness.
My current wardrobe consists of black joggers and a gray hoodie.
It’s like I’ve regressed to being a teenager.
That’s how I feel both externally and internally.
I currently don’t have control of my own life.
I have meals put in front of me when I should eat, I get my daily meds handed out to me in perfect portions. I even have to ask to shower as I’m not allowed unaccompanied in the bathroom for too long.
Just in case I do it again.
I want to sulk in my bedroom, but I can’t even do that.
My minder needs to be ever present.
Now don’t get me wrong. I am so grateful that I am loved by him so much he’s desperate to keep me safe, to keep me alive.
But I’m feeling a little bit smothered now.
I want some alone time.
Time to figure my head out and work out where I am.
But I also recognise I’m not safe to do that today.
My head is too unpredictable.
I desperately want to move on from this fog. But I now feel so lost I can’t even take the first step forward, just in case I’ve become so disoriented that step is in the wrong direction.