Low self-esteem? Me?
It’s not a quality most people would relate to me.
But that’s just because I’ve perfected my armor, created the ultimate camouflage.
I wear amazing and crazy shoes, I make outrageously loud clothes that get me compliments where ever I go and I paint on that smile.
And I put myself at the centre of attention whenever the opportunity arises.
In groups I’m always a chatterbox making jokes, mainly about myself.
I get the digs in before anyone else gets the chance.
And for years it has worked for years.
They see this loud gobby individual and make an assessment of me that I’m a little intimidating, slightly annoying, so they leave me alone.
I duped them all.
But today I got called out.
They saw the real me.
Sitting vulnerable and scared as I sobbed on the sofa admitting the thoughts that run through my head and how they scare me.
I’m due to start a 4 week group therapy session on Monday and I’m terrified.
I will have to be myself, be vulnerable and I just don’t know if I can do that. I
t’s been so long since I dropped the mask.
I joked that maybe I should watch ‘One flew over the cuckoo’s nest’ in preparation. But my joke fell on deaf ears.
I’ve been told that they’re trained to see through my bravado and if I don’t go in there being honest then they won’t be able to help me heal.
I almost feel as though I’ll be entering that room as naked as the day I was born.
Because the truth is I don’t know anymore who I am as I’ve painted on the smile for too long.
And I’m scared that the real me is the one with the loudest voice telling me I’m worthless.
So maybe I do need a little help with self esteem.