I’m sitting somewhere high in the hills of the Austrian/German border.
There is not a cloud in the sky.
The only sounds I can hear are the crickets chirping in the grasses and forest leaves that rustle from the trees that surround me.
A waggtail and its mate hop from branch to branch, their tails bobbing with each pause they make.
And butterflies dance in the air.
I feel a peace here that I havent felt in a long time.
And in that peace, I feel a comfort.
Like my dad is near.
I have always wanted to believe, each time a butterfly is near, that its my dad come to check up on me. He had a love for all things flora and fauna. I think he would have liked it here.
I wonder what he would have thought about me traveling across eastern Europe with my friends?
Would he think I was crazy embarking on such an adventure without my kids. Or would it have reminded him of the solitude he so often sought as a parent?
Growing up he was so often absent.
He worked a 4 day, 4 night, 4 off shift which meant he was very often out or sleeping. And on his days off he was either working a second job as a builder, or taking off on long hikes in hunt of elusive butterflies or orchids he was desperate to photograph for his collection. A collection I inherited, but have yet to do anything with.
It was just the norm for me growing up to not have him present. But it was something my mum had begun to resent.
After she and my sister moved out, it was just me and dad.
We moved through the house like ships passing in the night.
If we found ourselves in the kitchen at the same time we would often clash. Our personalities just too similar to let us meet without a battle. He’d used up all the ham, or I’d cut the bread at the wrong angle. We reacted to everything. But I stayed knowing that every few weeks we would patch things up. He would take me out to dinner, show me off to friends, proud that I was his daughter, and I lived for those moments. In those moments I felt peace.
Looking back I see how similar we both were. Both so fiercely independent and both so fragile.
I think he would have liked it here. And I think he’d be proud of my adventures too.