If I’m honest today hasn’t been a very good day.
The only thing in the diary was going to my second appointment at the pain clinic first thing.
I’ve had a lot riding on this appointment!
I was originally referred to the clinic back in February last year by my rheumatologist.
Due to one cock up after another I didn’t actually get an appointment to see them until October.
They were going to be the answer to my managing my pain. During that first appointment a decision was made by the team that due to the stresses and pressures of my business they would not be able to treat me. That I should get back in contact once the shop had gone.
At the end of December I thought I had tied up enough of the loose ends and reduced my stress enough so got back in contact asking to try again.
They sent me through an activities diary which I dutifully filled out and returned and finally an appointment came through.
I really thought today was going to be a good day, but it didn’t start too well. It was a chilly morning and I had to be on the 8:30 bus to get to my appointment on time.
The bus wasn’t too crowded, there were only a dozen or so of us on board.
I sat with my head in my book trying to avoid eye contact and stares of people looking at me wondering why the young (well I like to class myself as young) woman was sitting in the disabled priority seating.
At one of the stop a well presented lady went to climb on and lost her footing. She came down hard and her bags spilled everywhere. I sat for a moment waiting for someone to assist her but no one moved, not even the driver. I pulled myself up on my walking stick hobbled over and helped her refill her bags and get herself settled on a seat. My blood boiled as now it was everyone else who avoided my eye contact.
Finally arrived and in my hour long appointment, the pain lady asked how I was managing. I explained that I have made a list of all my chores and have broken them up over the week so I am not overdoing it on a single day. I explained how if the weather is warm I try to get myself into the village for a walk with the dog. I attend a weekly yoga class and despite the fact I don’t manage all the moves, I often land face down whilst trying to do my down faced dog and that I suffer the next day I really enjoy the class and come away feeling much happier and that has a knock on effect to my positivity the rest of my week. And when I’m having a good I love doing my crafts and always have a few little projects on the go to keep my mind active and me feeling positive.
During all of this she is diligently making notes.
She then asks me how my Time to Talk sessions had gone and how beneficial were they.
I explained how it had ended and how very little help was offered despite my mental state during my last session. “Did your GP offer an alternative?” she asked. Having explained how my GP had told me the only service they could offer at the time was the one who had just let me down, I now just manage on my own the best I can.
She told me that maybe I should request that my GP get me a referral with the psychiatric team. (I now have visions of straight jackets and padded cells and this is doing nothing for my stress levels)
I am then asked have I heard of mindfulness?
Yes I replied, I have a number of books on it. I have tried a few and to my understanding they are distraction techniques that focus on the present. Apparently no that’s not right, the are a meditation process that focus on breathing and taking your mind off of thoughts of chores or pains ect and direct your focus on either an object or breathing or just in how your body feels at this moment in time…..so that’s not a distraction of something else that’s going on in your mind??
Anyway at the end of the meeting I was handed a couple of leaflets and recommended to pop down to my local library to find some books on learning how to breath. I have also been recommended that I should not try any task for more than 5 minutes without stopping and breathing (personally this is a form of multitasking I thought I had nailed on coming out the womb but what do I know?)
Yoga is out, walking the dog is out (unless we just walk to the end of the road and back) and crafts are pretty much out. I will just have enough time to get myself ready before putting it all away again and taking myself off for a little rest.
I left that place deflated.
The day was not improved by missing the next bus and having to wait in the freezing cold for the next one to arrive.
The final straw was when the bus driver completely ignored my pressing the button at my stop and drove me an extra 800 yards away from my road before I could get his attention, and then shouting at me as I stepped off.
All in all not a very good day.
By the time I unlocked the front door I had hot tears of anger streaming down my face.
I had anger at my husband as he had the car today so I had to use public fuckin transport! I had anger at the bus company for employing self centred muppets, I had anger at the ignorant bastards who had offered no assistance to the lady on the bus. Anger at all those people who looked at me with pity. Anger at the woman in the pain clinic as after 13 months of waiting for a cure from this pain I have to tolerate 24/7 her only recommendation was learn how to fuckin breath and no more doing the things that give me pleasure like yoga and crafting.
But most of all I’m angry at me and how my body is failing me and has locked me inside with an overactive head and the body of a 90 year old.
Come to think of it the only smile I wore today was in response to the look of Mike, a homeless guy I got chatting to whilst waiting for the bus, as I handed him a giant pack of Mcvities choccie digestives. Well we couldn’t drink a hot coffee without a biccie right?